Love doesn't grow!!

Yes, it's true... All things do grow in and because of love, but love, itself doesn't grow. Love shrinks, in fact. I've learned through long and excruciating research that love (or lack thereof), doesn't magically grow over time. So, start big or go home!! 

After, more than enough, time to heal & learn from my last few relationships, alone, I've decided it's time to start dating again. However, one thing I will never do again is settle. I want that ... sweep you off your feet, blow you out of the water... magical, storybook romance and I'm no longer going to settle for anything less! 

Why set the bar so high?? Well, one... See paragraph 1... You've gotta have a pretty spectacular love from the beginning because the truth is that love, even with lots of care and nurturing, slowly but surely shrinks over time. Of course, if you're lucky and you both work really hard you can strive to keep your love as strong as the day you met. 

In fact, you should always strive to make each kiss as magical as the first kiss. But, sadly.. No matter what you do.. It'll never be better than it was in the beginning. Based on this theory, why would I settle once again for a less than average beginning knowing that it'll just be down hill from said weak start?? I won't! Not ever again!! 

I'm ready for a real, enduring & lasting relationship and I know that will take a spectacular beginning to accomplish! 

Plus, I have two teenage girls and everything I do, now more than ever, directly affects what they do & who they will become. So, I will, never again, show them a less than perfect relationship or love. 

Am I setting the bar high?? You're damned right! Because they deserve it!! And, frankly, so do I! It took me a long time to remember my worth after years and years of neglect, loneliness and abuse both mentally and physically. 

However, the self-esteem crushing affects of each bad relationship have left my heart, mind and soul & I'm ready to begin once again to search for 'the one'. 

I'm looking for the right person to hand over my heart & trust that while I focus on tending to theirs, they will always, equally tend to mine. 

This is no small feat. Of this, I am aware. However, I have faith and I believe that after everything both the girls and I have been through over the last 15 years, we are due a little serendipity & devine intervention.

 So, there it is... I've put it out there... I'm single (as I've been for over 6 months now). For the first time in my life I didn't jump right into my next relationship after my last break up & decided, instead, to figure out what it is that I want in life & what kind of person I'd like to walk beside me. All of which, I've taken my time and thought & I'm finally ready to put myself out there again and join the ever risky land of dating. 

Wish me luck!! 

Seriously... does anyone have pliers??

I feel like I'm walking in an endless circle of frustration and tears. I swear, if I were my teeth, I'd jump out of my mouth too. Over the past summer, I have talked about and cried over my teeth more than most people talk and cry about anything!!

So, what happened this time?? Glad you asked... because I need to get this off my chest and then go the fuck to bed!! On friday, I receive a phone call from the UM dental school (finally considering I've been waiting a month for their call) and they ask if I can come in Monday to meet with the oral surgeon. Monday!?! Ok, I have no life or responsibilities or plans whatsoever, sure. (Of course, I do have all of those things, but I'm desperate to get this show on the road)

So, I drive 2 hours to Baltimore yesterday and immediately after I walk into the office, as I am still standing beside the dental chair, the oral surgeon turns to me and says, we cannot treat you in this office because your infection/case is too complex. You need to go across the street to the oral surgery hospital and be admitted and treated in a hospital setting. (I'm thinking, great.. that is exactly what I've been praying for b/c in a 'hospital setting' Medicare has to pay most of the costs).

She continues to give me instructions to head over there right away. I stop her and ask specifically, "am I having surgery today? Because I don't have a ride home, I'm only here with my daughter" and she said, "Oh, ok can you come first thing tomorrow morning?" So, again... because I don't have a life or a million things going on, I say 'sure'. She gives me instructions to be there as early as possible in the morning & make sure I don't eat anything after midnight in case they are able to do surgery tomorrow. So, I ask again for clarification, "So, is this just another consult or am I definitely being admitted to the hospital once I go over there because if it's just a consult, I can go over there now, right?" "Yes, ma'am, you need to be admitted to the hospital and receive IV antibiotics and pre-op blood transfusion" Great.. these people have finally got it figured out and I'm headed in the right direction... finally!!

Driving home, I text a million people to work out arrangements for someone to come with me, someone to take Caitlin to cheer then 9th grade orientation, someone else to take Madi to and from her last day of tryouts and someone else to stay the night at our house with the dogs. Getting all that situated before we even get back to WV, I was finally starting to let myself feel hopeful and then before bed, nervous even. I was finally going to have this infection taken care of once and for ALL!!

This morning comes pouring in.. literally.. it was POURING this morning the entire 2 & 1/2 hour ride to Baltimore while Fraz was sleeping in the passenger seat. I should have known that was my sign. I hate driving in the rain. I can't see a thing and my truck hydroplanes very easily. I should have stayed home!!

I really wish I listened to that bad feeling in my gut the whole ride there that this was a bad idea. I thought I was just nervous about the surgery itself, but no. I get to all the way there for them to tell me that...

1) I have a serious infection (duh)
2) I have to be treated with IV antibiotics (of course)
3) I need a pre-op blood transfusion (ok, that's standard for me)
4) I need to go elsewhere and get all of that done and then come back (WHAT??)

Yes, they told me that because of all of the above I might need to be admitted to A hospital and while I'm there also get this huge list of tests done BEFORE they will schedule my surgery. I instantly started crying while simultaneously Jonathon got pissed. As I tried to explain why I was so upset and everything that I've been through over at the dental school (including but not limited to, paying over 300 dollars now on 4 different 'consultations' and basically bounced from floor to floor, now building to building)

Whilst in the same room with me crying, the dental surgeon looks at the student and says, "Please explain to Her this offices procedures" (like I'm a fucking deaf, blind baby) and walks out of the room!!

Are You Fucking Kidding Me???

I think I'm getting the hint. After spending my entire summer and half my dental savings budget on the UM Dental School, I'm coming to realize, my case is obviously too complex for any of them to handle, so they just keep bullshitting me and sending me to other people.

I'm so done with Baltimore.. I'm so done with my mouth and my teeth... Seriously, does anyone have fucking pliers?? I'll pay you??

OH.... and I would say this was the worst day of my life.. However, there is always a silver lining.. I got home just in time to catch the end of Caitlin's 9th grade orientation AND the best part of the day.. I was the first one to hear Madi Love rip open her cheer tryout letter and scream "VARSITY!!" Yay!! Go Madi!! Thank you baby for making it possible to still fall asleep with a smile on my face!! I love you both so much and I can't believe you guys are starting middle/high school in a few days and made the cheer teams!!... I'm so proud of both of you!!

Before and After Pictures....

I can write until my fingers fall off, but the proof is in the pictures!!! Wow... I knew the numbers had changed a bit since the beginning of the challenge, but seriously had no idea how drastically Yoga and eating right combined has changed every single muscle in my body!!

Yet another bump in the road

As if, I have not enough problems with my health at this time, my infection has now prevented any further dental work. I guess I could see the silver lining, I don't have the money to pay for new teeth anyway. Now, I don't have force myself to sleep at night believing I simply can't pay for my dental work. I can now, sleep soundly knowing, instead, I'm too sick And too broke for new teeth. Perhaps it's just not meant to be?

My doctor and dental student at UM suggested I receive treatment for the infection via hospital & IV antibiotics. This route could have potentially forced Medicare to pay for the extractions. However, the doctor at Jefferson Memorial Hospital, not only refused to call the oral surgeon (whom I spoke to prior to going to the hospital and agreed to come see me while I was there), even went as far as to accuse us all of Medicare fraud! Excuse me?? Dr. Brittany Gusic, doesn't the word fraud imply lying?? If you are, in fact, treating me with IV antibiotics for an infection in my mouth and I have a referral from my doctor and dentist saying that it is their medical advice that I have infected teeth removed asap to cease the spread of said infection, how exactly is calling an oral surgeon considered Medicare fraud? If my dental infection is caused by my disease & the continued infection is further jeopardizing my overall health, is it not in Medicare's financial advantage to help cease the problem?

Whilst crying and trying my hardest to explain my dire situation, this so-called doctor, cut me off and said she didn't have time to argue with me. She repeated that she would not admit me, nor call the oral surgeon for consult to see if he wanted to admit me because she was too busy with her patients upstairs. The nurse walked in after she left and apologized for the doctors rudeness. She looked on the computer and said there was only one patient upstairs, a 93 year old woman with pneumonia, sleeping.

Luckily, the ER doctor took some mercy on me and allowed me to do a second round of antibiotics before discharging me. He, also, suggested that I go to a 'better' hospital. He said if I were at City hospital my plan would have worked. He admitted, I'm assuming in effort to make me feel better, that Jefferson is simply an observational hospital. The doctors, while completely capable, choose not to help any patients with real medical issues.

This evening spent in the ER, begging for help, being humiliated and rejected was the exact opposite of what I need right now. My optimism is running low. My will, my drive, my hope is running thin. I have a major problem with minimum resources to solve it.

Thanks, as always, for listening to me bitch.... please keep me your prayers. I know, somewhere deep down inside of me, that a light exists at the end of this tunnel. I'm going to hold on to and focus hard toward that light. I'll find it, right?

Fuck the System...** Update

First, let me start from the beginning to fully explain how I ended up in this situation. Many people know me, know that I am 'sick', go to the hospital often, need transfusions regularly, but don't quiet know the whole story. After seeing the huge response to my last post and receiving numerous comments and private messaged questions about the details, I've decided to back it up before giving the update. So....

Sickle-beta thalassemia anemia is a very rare genetic blood disorder, even more so in Caucasians. It is so unlikely, in fact, that I was 27 years old and literally dying in the ICU before they figured out what was wrong with me. They never thought to test for sickle-cell disease. After my gallbladder removal surgery turned into a pancreatic infection causing my blood sugar levels to rise and plummet to dangerous (seizure and unconscious) levels, a hematologist in the ICU studied my blood under the microscope. In this last ditch attempt to figure out why they could not stabilize me, the hematologist saved my life!

A few years later, after numerous infections and hospital admissions due to complications from my disease, the doctors made the final decision that I could no longer teach. Although, I'm sure my daughters would say that almost losing me in the ICU was the scariest, most depressing time in their lives.... for me, it was losing a career that I loved and the ability to financially support my daughters on my own, that was the most heart breaking.

Life wasn't easy, by far. The 'system' is such that once an individual is placed on disability, they must wait 2 years before they receive Medicare!! So, two years without medical insurance to see my primary care doctor or hematologist, left me at the hands of the ER for all my medical needs (from basic infections and transfusions to sickle vaso-occlusive crisis), all of which increased without the ability for preventive care and routine transfusions.

Nonetheless, we made it through all of this. In fact, I'd like to believe the entire ordeal has made us stronger and more grateful for every little blessing. We had to move from the suburbs and private schools of MD to West Virginia to save money. The move ended up being a blessing, in and of itself, finding friends, support and the sense of community that is hard to come by in the 'city' and overall life has been pretty good, almost perfect.

However, there is one more BIG 'glitch' in this nations health care system and that is the lack of dental coverage for the sick and elderly on Social Security. There is absolutely NO dental care plan for the people who need it the most. As I have recently learned, the hard way, sickle cell disease increases the risk for periodontists (gum infections) and causes more rapid tooth decay. Because I don't have any dental insurance, but continue to suffer from recurring infections on my gums, my doctor recommended I visit the University of Maryland Dental School because they provide dental services at a fraction of the cost elsewhere.

Imagine my heart break when the dental student handed me an estimate of 17,492 dollars!! In fact, I found out today, that cost didn't even include the cost of anesthesia, which is an additional $500 for every separate surgery!! Because my case is so complex, involving a serious infection and bone grafts, it will probably take 8 to 10 separate surgeries!! I was in hyperventilating shock, to say the absolute least.

When I met with the financial assistance director at the Dental School, I remained hopeful and positive that she would find a way, any way to help me. After years of searching, this is truly my last stop on the road to healthy teeth. She informed me that, while people on temporary disability can receive a grant to have their entire dental bill covered, those on permanent disability get a grant for $1,000!! She also said, with a smile, that I was approved for the maximum financial assistance they offer. I was not smiling when she further explained, that meant 30% off some of the procedures.

So, I headed to Baltimore praying the 17 thousand dollar bill would be reduced into a more manageable number. Instead, she added the $5,000 for anesthesia and then tooth by tooth, took 30% off a few procedures, subtracted the 1,000 dollar grant... and.... I am left with a bill for $18,967!!!

My primary care doctor and hematologist have both strongly suggested this surgery be done as soon as possible because in the past few months alone, I have been on antibiotics more than off. This alone, will eventually cause the infections to become resistant to antibiotics. I've also been admitted, twice, to the hospital for IV antibiotics in the past 3 months.

 They fear the infection will soon spread to my blood and/or heart, left untreated.


I'm not sure what else to do... I guess I'll start here.....?

When I shared with my family that close to 1,000 people read my 'fuck the system' post, my daughter said, "wow if each of those people donated like 20 bucks, you'd have enough for your surgery!" So, she added me to her gofundme page and asked me to share it on here.

Click here for more info on her campaign

I can promise you that any money donated will go directly to the dental work and if, by chance, I receive more than I personally need, I will be starting a campaign for other people, like myself, that are in this situation. Something must be done to help the hardworking Americans in this country receive the support they need when they are no longer able to work. It is so easy to ignore the sick and elderly & so incredibly unfair to do so! I will continue to be the voice for those on medicare who need dental coverage, both basic and extensive.

If you'd like to join us and help financially, share the info with others, or even just stop to read the update... thank you so much for your support. I was feeling very hopeless and alone through all of this. Just knowing that so many people care enough to take the time to read my story has been so reassuring.

With love and gratitude,
~Stephanie

FUCK the 'SYSTEM'

Since I've linked this blog to my 'professional page' about Getting Fit I've become hesitant about posting real venting. However, screw it... I'm human and right now.. about to lose my mind and could use all the support I can get, even if that support is simply being heard. 

As many of you reading this blog know, I'm on Medicare because of my genetic blood disorder, sickle-beta thalessemia anemia. I had found my passion in life, teaching, and by no fault of my own (a fact that was hard for me to finally realize), my career was taken from me and I was forced onto disability.

Our so-called 'system' in this country is so backwards that...

.... 1) they make you wait TWO years after being medically forbidden from working and put on disability before they give you Medicare (health insurance). Mind the fact, I didn't stop being sick during those two years. So, instead of being able to receive any preventive care, I had to use the ER as my only source of medical care from basic infections to sickle cell vaso-occlusive crisis (which occur much more frequently when I don't receive preventive transfusions). These two, short, uncovered years, loaded me with overwhelming medical bills impossible to pay on my new salary (about 1/3 of what I was making teaching), completely demolishing any credit I had finally improved since my ex husband did his own demolishing upon his departure.

... 2) and, Medicare provides absolutely NO dental coverage!!

Reminder... Medicare is... the insurance for this nations sick and/or retired hard-working Americans... 

Not ...Medicaid... the free insurance for all children, immigrants and basically anyone that chooses not to work, ever! 

All that, basically old news but relevant to the upcoming complaint, said... I've also recently learned, the hard way, that my insufficient blood supply causes severe gum infections/swelling and rapid tooth decay. I traveled all the way to the University of Maryland Dental School (supposedly much cheaper than anywhere else) to receive an estimate of $17,000 to fix the damage done (again, by my disease and through no fault of my own other than not visiting a dentist in the past few years, as I have No dental insurance)!

As you can probably tell by now, I'm angry. Under the anger, I'm scared and so bewilderingly lost. I need to have my teeth fixed (fact), I'll never have 17k to spend on myself (fact), My credit is so f-ed up that no one would dare finance me that kind of money (fact).

On top of this cluster-fuck, also referred to as my unfortunate health circumstances, my ex husband does not pay child support. In fact, the last statement I received from Child Support Services, said he owed me $65,450 in back child support. Hmm... So, now it's one of those rare and ever-so-frustrating moments where I'm actually wishing that he was a normal, caring and responsible parent that helped with the care of his kids, thereby alleviating some of my financial troubles. 

Well, he couldn't have picked a better time to start a new facebook page and attempt to contact me, setting me far-too-close to the freaking edge!!

One~ I know he has an upcoming court date and, like always, is contacting me so he can lie to a judge and convince them he is a good father. He plays this same game every 2 to 3 years when the court system finally catches up with him. He pays 50 to 100 bucks in small increments right before the 'show' for the judge. He walks into court, acts his ass off and the charges are dropped. He promises the judge to continue to pay (and never does)! Worse, when I let him, he'd also lie to the girls and promise to stay in touch, as well (which he also never did once the 'show' was over). We've all wised up and could care-less about seeing or talking to him. However....

Two~ Usually, I ignore these bi-yearly fake shows or the pocket change that comes in the mail. However, this time.... this fucking time... this guy's profile picture has him standing in front of palm trees, surrounded by Disney characters smiling and in his stupid fucking mouth, he has BRACES!! As in, "I owe you 65K which could easily fix your broken teeth AND send our kids to college, but instead I've bought a trip to Disney (w/o kids) and mother-fucking aesthetic adult BRACES!!"

I know I sound like a toddler when I say this, but this crap really IS NOT FAIR!! I worked hard then became sick, very sick for awhile and through it all, always took care of the girls, putting their needs over my own no matter what. I did what was expected of me and then some. I think of myself as a good person. I've always tried to help those around me, without ever expecting anything in return. But, here I am, stuck in this horrible situation caused by the cracks in our so-called 'system'. 

Am I wrong to think American's on Medicare (the sick and elderly) deserve dental care??

... especially when they are far-too young to be toothless??

... especially when it is their genetic disease that has caused said potential molar-less situation?? 

Am I wrong to think the Child Support System should act faster and more severely when dealing with voluntarily-impoverished parents that purposefully avoid working legally to avoid paying for their responsibilities??

 Do I dare think help should be provided for the people that have fallen into these cracks, like myself?? 

I'm really sorry for this long, uncharacteristically, negative and frankly bitchy post. I am just so freaking irate and feel so unbelievably hopeless. I, honestly, don't know what to do next, but figured getting it all off my chest and out to the world might be a good start. 

Please, keep me and the girls in your prayers. Unfortunately, this situation affects them as well, which sucks the most. I am so tired of burdening them with my jacked-up health misfortune. They deserve better and dare I say, I think I do too? I guess, the silver-lining (b/c I really always try to find one), is that after all is said and done... we will come out stronger in the end... we always do. 

If you know of anything that could potentially help me out of this crack and back onto level ground, please don't hesitate to share. I am open to any and all suggestions at this point!

Thank you for reading, listening and therefore supporting me. 

Wish me, at the least, luck!?

~Stephanie 

m21stephanie@gmail.com

All natural & a little souped up pride ;)

How long has it been since you've 1) let your hair dry naturally 2) left the house with No face makeup AND **3) worn short~shorts and a belly shirt??? If it's been since high school... then, you need to read my blog (GET FIT)  to find out my secrets to looking and feeling young and hot everyday!!