Sorry for my absence for the past few weeks. Once I met with my editor and received my 'homework' for the book, I have been hard at work doing research. I always imagined that writing would be this amazingly creative job that included nothing more than sitting in front of a laptop typing away whatever my heart desires. However, whether you are writing a blog about fitness, a fiction novel or an article for a medical journal, 50 percent of your time is spent doing research. While this is the boring part of writing, I know its importance and I'm excited to have learned so much for the next challenge.
Tomorrow I am starting the 21 day challenge over again. This time, however, there will be no 'winging' it. I've got a plan in motion and I know it's going to be a big success! I'm flattered to not only have a book deal in the works, but also to learn that I am an official 'blogger'. Meaning, every click I get on my GET FIT blog, I get paid!! So, please.. if you are not already.. check out the other blog, often. Better even, click away while you're there. I think I get extra if you click on ads that are placed on the blog, all of which should be related to whatever topic I am covering. (Google is so super savvy).
As always, this is the place for my more candid (behind the scenes) life. That said, I cheated a little kinda to ensure I actually found the right yoga videos & I tried the 1st yoga workout tonight. I must admit, 2 minutes into the video, I almost quit. However, I stuck with it & what felt like 5 minutes later the entire 20 minutes had gone by! Madi was doing the video with me and having come from cheer conditioning herself, said that the moves were tough. Tough is good though, right?? The videos I found focus on your core (belly) and let me say.. my core is sore!!! I need to figure out how to post the actual videos on the blog so I'm not one of those crazy people that try to explain with words how to get into 'sitting dog'.
So, guess my homework isn't quiet done,but I'm just so excited to finally be back in front of the laptop with my fingers moving and not just the cursor!! I'm also excited to begin Doing all the great things I've learned!!
Wish me luck!!
Monday, June 30, 2014
Sunday, June 22, 2014
What an incredible year for Briley Birdie!!
Last year, at a neighbors home, I met this sweet and beautiful little girl named Briley. She was laying on the couch on her back, kicking her legs forward as hard as she could, trying to sit up. Out of pure instinct (& because, honestly, I have boundary issues when it comes to babies), I sat down beside her and placed my hands on top of her feet so she could pull herself up. The look on her face when her sit-up was complete and our eyes met was ineffable!!
We locked eyes & I could see her appreciation. I asked my neighbor (her babysitter at the time) if I could pick her up. As soon as she was close enough, she leaned in close for a hug and didn't move. She melted my heart when she tilted her head up to make eye contact with me whilst cuddling. She was so cute & seemed so grateful and happy to meet me.
We locked eyes & I could see her appreciation. I asked my neighbor (her babysitter at the time) if I could pick her up. As soon as she was close enough, she leaned in close for a hug and didn't move. She melted my heart when she tilted her head up to make eye contact with me whilst cuddling. She was so cute & seemed so grateful and happy to meet me.
Luckily, my neighbor asked me to watch her a few times & after some quality alone time with her, I became so intrigued with her uniqueness and her potential for growth and development. When I realized that she was able to stand up with assistance, I didn't doubt that with some practice, she would learn to walk. She was so strong & more importantly, ecstatic to be standing up. It was, as if, standing and stomping her feet was the most fun she'd ever had! She lit up with pride showing off for me, her new friend.
I tried to share some suggestions for exercises that could be done daily to strengthen her legs muscles. I was beginning to share in her excitement. However, as quickly as my heart filled with joy when Briley befriended me, it broke when her babysitter laughed & responded, "She will never walk, they think she will, but I don't think so, do you?? Really?" Keep in mind, poor Bri Bri was still standing there while her babysitter shot down the idea. Briley lowered her head in defeat.
I tried to share some suggestions for exercises that could be done daily to strengthen her legs muscles. I was beginning to share in her excitement. However, as quickly as my heart filled with joy when Briley befriended me, it broke when her babysitter laughed & responded, "She will never walk, they think she will, but I don't think so, do you?? Really?" Keep in mind, poor Bri Bri was still standing there while her babysitter shot down the idea. Briley lowered her head in defeat.
Mercifully, fate placed me in her life at the perfect moment. What began as weekly physical therapy sessions, soon proved to be so much more. I attended Briley's 3rd birthday party a few days before our first session. Within a month, she was my full-time sidekick & bff. Together, we tried out the local public preschool program. However, it was obvious that she had some negative experiences with kids her own age because at that point, she was still very scared of kids her own age or younger.
So, in lieu of formal school, Briley's parents decided to hire me as her physical therapist & one-on-one teacher. So, a year later, on her 4th birthday seems a great time to recap and brag about how far she has come.
In the past year, physically she has learned to.....
1) sit up from laying on her back & recently lay back from the sitting position
2) roll over onto her belly
3) get up on her knees from belly
4) sit up straight on her knees
5) scoot on her butt (first in circles to follow me.. now, all over the place to chase everyone)
6) stand up, with assistance for long periods of time (30-60 minutes)
7) stand up, on her own (till she figures out you've let go)
8) stand up, leaning her back to wall
9) walk in walker
10) walk holding 2 hands & now even 1 hand!
11) walk holding onto tables/couch
12) walk up stairs
13) RUN around in walker (independently & on treadmill)
And, those are just her physical developments!!
Last year, if a child under 5 years old, so much as looked at her, she would break down into tears or purposefully make her eyes go crossed (a gesture, I came to learn, she uses as a defense mechanism to attempt to get people to leave her alone =) She was also incredibly shy!! When anyone would speak to her, she would quickly look down. To get an accurate baseline, I asked her previous babysitter in what ways Briley communicated with adults or kids at her house. She said, she was mostly quiet, looking down, eyes crossed, shaking her head in circles (which I learned later meant she was tired), or crying/yelling for 'no reason'.
Well, if that is her baseline, socially, this has been a major year!! She has learned so much I know I am going to forget things, but I will try my best to list the many ways she now communicates.
Now, to communicate she...
1) answers yes & no questions with appropriate head nods
2) lifts her arms to gesture picked up
3) babbles "briley" language while reading along with books & singing songs
4) says daddy, mommy, baba (bb), HI, Yeah, Oh yeah, kk, and so many more words correctly
5) waves her hand in front of her nose to gesture 'stinky'
6) taps on her lips to gesture hunger/thirst
7) blinks her eyes quickly, repeatedly to gesture sleepy/tired
8) can point to eyes, ears, nose, lips, hair
9) can point to appropriate body part when asked "where do you hear? see? etc..)
10) watches flashcards and attempts to sound out 70 percent of vocab
11) sits in chair during school lessons, engaged & listening (20+mins)
12) says hi & bye (even initiating conversations w/ strangers)
13) dislikes major transitions (saying goodbye to mommy, daddy or bb)
14) knows how to be funny & make people laugh
15) laughs at jokes, teasing, funny stories
16) expresses herself freely/loudly whether she's happy, sad or mad But...
17) Never, Ever cries for 'no reason' !! ;)
Aside from her birthday, what really prompted me to write this update was the talent show last week. While Madi was singing at the talent show, I put Briley on the floor by my feet because she was already saying hi to the kids sitting down there. I expected her, at most, to stay safely aside my leg and wave to the kids from a distance.
So, you can imagine my shock when I look down and see her sitting beside a little girl shaking her head "yes" & "no" completely engaged listening to the girl. I leaned in a bit to eavesdrop and almost teared up when I realized the two were actually carrying on a real conversation!!! (See adorable picture below!)
The girl was asking her questions like,
"is that your mom?"
"was that your sister singing?"
"do you know Madi?"
Briley was all serious, answering correctly & when they all began leaning in saying how cute she was, she laughed & smacked herself in the forehead, playfully & hid behind her hands in silly/fake embarrassment, really enjoying all the attention. I've seen her carrying on conversations with Caitlin and Madi many times and obviously we talk to each other every day. It was just so unbelievably amazing to witness her making a new friend, close to her own age, showing her true intelligence and even being silly.
I knew when I met her, I could help her walk. After her first 2 weeks here, I also learned just how smart she was as well. I told her mom it was my new personal goal to help Briley express herself better & with confidence so that everyone she meets can see the smart, sassy, silly & sweet girl that we lucky few knew so well. Seeing my dream for Briley come true... spectacular!!
I'm so proud of our BIG GIRL!!! Happy 4th Bday Briley.
So, in lieu of formal school, Briley's parents decided to hire me as her physical therapist & one-on-one teacher. So, a year later, on her 4th birthday seems a great time to recap and brag about how far she has come.
In the past year, physically she has learned to.....
1) sit up from laying on her back & recently lay back from the sitting position
2) roll over onto her belly
3) get up on her knees from belly
4) sit up straight on her knees
5) scoot on her butt (first in circles to follow me.. now, all over the place to chase everyone)
6) stand up, with assistance for long periods of time (30-60 minutes)
7) stand up, on her own (till she figures out you've let go)
8) stand up, leaning her back to wall
9) walk in walker
10) walk holding 2 hands & now even 1 hand!
11) walk holding onto tables/couch
12) walk up stairs
13) RUN around in walker (independently & on treadmill)
And, those are just her physical developments!!
Last year, if a child under 5 years old, so much as looked at her, she would break down into tears or purposefully make her eyes go crossed (a gesture, I came to learn, she uses as a defense mechanism to attempt to get people to leave her alone =) She was also incredibly shy!! When anyone would speak to her, she would quickly look down. To get an accurate baseline, I asked her previous babysitter in what ways Briley communicated with adults or kids at her house. She said, she was mostly quiet, looking down, eyes crossed, shaking her head in circles (which I learned later meant she was tired), or crying/yelling for 'no reason'.
Well, if that is her baseline, socially, this has been a major year!! She has learned so much I know I am going to forget things, but I will try my best to list the many ways she now communicates.
Now, to communicate she...
1) answers yes & no questions with appropriate head nods
2) lifts her arms to gesture picked up
3) babbles "briley" language while reading along with books & singing songs
4) says daddy, mommy, baba (bb), HI, Yeah, Oh yeah, kk, and so many more words correctly
5) waves her hand in front of her nose to gesture 'stinky'
6) taps on her lips to gesture hunger/thirst
7) blinks her eyes quickly, repeatedly to gesture sleepy/tired
8) can point to eyes, ears, nose, lips, hair
9) can point to appropriate body part when asked "where do you hear? see? etc..)
10) watches flashcards and attempts to sound out 70 percent of vocab
11) sits in chair during school lessons, engaged & listening (20+mins)
12) says hi & bye (even initiating conversations w/ strangers)
13) dislikes major transitions (saying goodbye to mommy, daddy or bb)
14) knows how to be funny & make people laugh
15) laughs at jokes, teasing, funny stories
16) expresses herself freely/loudly whether she's happy, sad or mad But...
17) Never, Ever cries for 'no reason' !! ;)
Aside from her birthday, what really prompted me to write this update was the talent show last week. While Madi was singing at the talent show, I put Briley on the floor by my feet because she was already saying hi to the kids sitting down there. I expected her, at most, to stay safely aside my leg and wave to the kids from a distance.
So, you can imagine my shock when I look down and see her sitting beside a little girl shaking her head "yes" & "no" completely engaged listening to the girl. I leaned in a bit to eavesdrop and almost teared up when I realized the two were actually carrying on a real conversation!!! (See adorable picture below!)
The girl was asking her questions like,
"is that your mom?"
"was that your sister singing?"
"do you know Madi?"
Briley was all serious, answering correctly & when they all began leaning in saying how cute she was, she laughed & smacked herself in the forehead, playfully & hid behind her hands in silly/fake embarrassment, really enjoying all the attention. I've seen her carrying on conversations with Caitlin and Madi many times and obviously we talk to each other every day. It was just so unbelievably amazing to witness her making a new friend, close to her own age, showing her true intelligence and even being silly.
I knew when I met her, I could help her walk. After her first 2 weeks here, I also learned just how smart she was as well. I told her mom it was my new personal goal to help Briley express herself better & with confidence so that everyone she meets can see the smart, sassy, silly & sweet girl that we lucky few knew so well. Seeing my dream for Briley come true... spectacular!!
I'm so proud of our BIG GIRL!!! Happy 4th Bday Briley.
Monday, June 9, 2014
My mission
Each time I sit at my laptop to post a blog entry, I have a mission. Whether the mission is to be informative & helpful or just plain entertaining, I always aim to reach out into the wide-world of webbed people & connect. I hope that my messages are always either helpful or entertaining. Having said that, I know my 'bitchfest' the other night about my relationship may have been neither. However, I don't want to be one of those people that posts and deletes. I said what I said & I felt a certain way that evening. I was honest with myself and anyone reading. So, instead of 'taking it back' so to speak. I wish to counteract my negativity with some positive thoughts. I know it may sound silly, but we are all responsible for the energy we emit to the world. I'd like to do my part by remaining positive as much as humanly possible & because I am human, I will forgive myself when I slip.
In fact, each of us is more than capable of helping the world, despite our fears and limitations & the uncertainty that holds us back. It is commonly accepted that it is impossible to make a difference without unlimited funding or free time. Yet most healing, cleansing, and spreading of joy is accomplished in a matter of minutes. If we vow to make the world a better place one day at a time, the true significance of small good deeds reveals itself to us. We come to see that we can be of service without dedicating our lives to recognized charities or giving up the pleasures we enjoy. The warmth we feel when we help the world is only a tiny part of the affirmative transformations that take place when we make altruism a part of everyday existence.
We make our homes, workplaces & communities better and brighter when we think positive thoughts that echo outward, give donations of time or money, smile at everyone we meet, & lend those in need of aid our assistance. As we learn, we inadvertently improve the universe because we can only be truly involved when we are informed. Even enthusiastically sharing ideas with others generates positive energy that then serves as the motivation for more tangible change. Selfless and helpful deeds remind us that we exercise some degree of control over a world that can seem chaotic at times. Even the smallest of such deeds is a demonstration of the fact that we are capable of changing the world in a positive way. So much negative energy is generated by the suffering, pain, and close-mindedness we are regularly exposed to, but we can counteract it in a constructive way by thinking and acting altruistically when opportunities to do so arise.
Helping the world often takes no more than a moment, just a wish for the world is a beautiful gesture and can be done by even the busiest of people effortlessly. The gift you give each day need not be grand or attention-worthy because the broader benefits are the same no matter the literal repercussions. Once a day, you can affect reality, and you can reap the rewards of knowing that you are making the world a better place, day by day...
Good luck, blogtopia =)
.
In fact, each of us is more than capable of helping the world, despite our fears and limitations & the uncertainty that holds us back. It is commonly accepted that it is impossible to make a difference without unlimited funding or free time. Yet most healing, cleansing, and spreading of joy is accomplished in a matter of minutes. If we vow to make the world a better place one day at a time, the true significance of small good deeds reveals itself to us. We come to see that we can be of service without dedicating our lives to recognized charities or giving up the pleasures we enjoy. The warmth we feel when we help the world is only a tiny part of the affirmative transformations that take place when we make altruism a part of everyday existence.
We make our homes, workplaces & communities better and brighter when we think positive thoughts that echo outward, give donations of time or money, smile at everyone we meet, & lend those in need of aid our assistance. As we learn, we inadvertently improve the universe because we can only be truly involved when we are informed. Even enthusiastically sharing ideas with others generates positive energy that then serves as the motivation for more tangible change. Selfless and helpful deeds remind us that we exercise some degree of control over a world that can seem chaotic at times. Even the smallest of such deeds is a demonstration of the fact that we are capable of changing the world in a positive way. So much negative energy is generated by the suffering, pain, and close-mindedness we are regularly exposed to, but we can counteract it in a constructive way by thinking and acting altruistically when opportunities to do so arise.
Helping the world often takes no more than a moment, just a wish for the world is a beautiful gesture and can be done by even the busiest of people effortlessly. The gift you give each day need not be grand or attention-worthy because the broader benefits are the same no matter the literal repercussions. Once a day, you can affect reality, and you can reap the rewards of knowing that you are making the world a better place, day by day...
Good luck, blogtopia =)
.
Sunday, June 8, 2014
To-Do's
As I flip the page of my planner to next week, as I do every Sunday night, to preview the upcoming week, I am disappointed to see the 3 inch space for each day alarmingly already full. This is LAST week the girls are in school. My personal To-Do list is so long! In regards to what I'd like done before my days are filled with 24/7 non-stop chatter of young, energetic ladies, I don't see much time. This week is already filled with graduations, awards ceremonies, field trips and talent shows. How am I going to squeeze in those last minute projects like getting the closets summer ready, typing up my cookbook, finishing the second draft of my dissertation or sending off the manuscript to the editor??
I remember the days when I use to be a Superwoman. I could juggle a million things without breaking a sweat. This fact, while usually discouraging, is going to inspire my positive affirmation for this week which I always write in my planner to motivate me.
I am capable of handling anything that comes my way.
I am efficient at time-management, especially when faced with many tasks.
I have the energy, health and strength to juggle the tasks of this week.
I will enjoy the chaos!!
Wish me luck blogtopia!!
I remember the days when I use to be a Superwoman. I could juggle a million things without breaking a sweat. This fact, while usually discouraging, is going to inspire my positive affirmation for this week which I always write in my planner to motivate me.
I am capable of handling anything that comes my way.
I am efficient at time-management, especially when faced with many tasks.
I have the energy, health and strength to juggle the tasks of this week.
I will enjoy the chaos!!
Wish me luck blogtopia!!
The Boy Toy
OK, so perhaps my headline is a bit too comedic considering the seriousness and honesty of last nights post. However, I'm feeling a bit better. We talked & talked & talked. I even let him read my blog entry. I think, I really got through to him this time. Although, I know I've said this before, many times, actually. The truth is, I don't have time to date right now. My daughters are in the process of becoming young women as I type. Caitlin is dating & entering high school next year. Madi is following close behind entering middle school. The absolute last thing that I need right now, is falling in love. I can't lose myself completely, as you should, in the beginning of any true love. So, I have to give this relationship everything I've got until it's absolutely exhausted all possibilities. Things may not work out. In fact, things might end sooner than I had expected. However, at this moment, he has promised to make drastic changes in his behavior & begin communicating with me more effectively. So, we shall see?
On to a more positive topic, my house is filled with children. It's Sunday afternoon and Noah (Caitlin's boy toy) and a few of the girls friends are once again spending this Sunday at our house. I love cooking BIG Sunday dinners for a whole crew of family and friends. I know, I wouldn't be able to provide for my children as I do now, if our income was reduced by half. I know, I wouldn't be able to see my children as often as I do now if I had to get a full-time job right now. Not to mention, the risk I would be taking with my health if I disobeyed my doctors orders. So, for all of that & more, I am grateful for Jonathon. I just hope and pray that he really begins to appreciate me the way I appreciate him. I hope and pray he begins to treat me better and joins us back in the real world. I hope and pray, he puts the down controller (both literally and metaphorically).
Thank you all for your time listening to my ramblings. I made myself a promise to reach out in times of need, to cry when the tears begin to swell in my throat, & to pray as much as possible, especially in times that feel hopeless. I really appreciate your private emails, comments & advice. These blogs have opened doors & friendships for me that I could have never imagined. I know, I'm late to 'blogville', but better late than never, right?
Wish me luck blogtopia!!
On to a more positive topic, my house is filled with children. It's Sunday afternoon and Noah (Caitlin's boy toy) and a few of the girls friends are once again spending this Sunday at our house. I love cooking BIG Sunday dinners for a whole crew of family and friends. I know, I wouldn't be able to provide for my children as I do now, if our income was reduced by half. I know, I wouldn't be able to see my children as often as I do now if I had to get a full-time job right now. Not to mention, the risk I would be taking with my health if I disobeyed my doctors orders. So, for all of that & more, I am grateful for Jonathon. I just hope and pray that he really begins to appreciate me the way I appreciate him. I hope and pray he begins to treat me better and joins us back in the real world. I hope and pray, he puts the down controller (both literally and metaphorically).
Thank you all for your time listening to my ramblings. I made myself a promise to reach out in times of need, to cry when the tears begin to swell in my throat, & to pray as much as possible, especially in times that feel hopeless. I really appreciate your private emails, comments & advice. These blogs have opened doors & friendships for me that I could have never imagined. I know, I'm late to 'blogville', but better late than never, right?
Wish me luck blogtopia!!
Saturday, June 7, 2014
Read w/ caution... long & bitchy!!!
Ok, blogtopia... I need your help here. I need to know if I have the right to be upset or am I just being a pms-y bitch?? The little angel that I watch daily, Briley's parents got married today. Now, mind you, they sent out the invitation long ago & before we replied, Jonathon made sure he could take off work. He had exactly one more 'sick' day left. So, we RSVP for the 4 of us. Again, this was months ago & has been on the calendar since. Now, I know a man (at least my man) doesn't look at the calendar often, even though it has vital information regarding the whereabouts of the entire house day to day. So, I also continued to verbally remind him every once in awhile as well.
Well, last Friday night/Saturday morning (he works the night shift 8pm-5am) he decided to play basketball right after work. He came home around noon & passed out. Of course, when it was time to get up for work, he decided to call in sick. He was sore & tired from playing basketball. I was a little upset then, but he promised me that he would still make it to the wedding. He said we could take separate cars there & he would just head straight from the wedding to work. Not exactly my idea of a real date, but at least he wouldn't completely bail on the wedding. I know how expensive each guest at wedding can be & expressed exactly how Fucked up it would be for him to simply "no-show" after we RSVP.
Well, sometime in the middle of the week, he mentioned that the guys were playing basketball again this Saturday. I told him that I really didn't think it was a good idea to play & the chances of him not going to the wedding were huge if he played in the morning. He agreed, or at least pretended, and dropped it. So, when I woke up to a text he sent at his lunch break saying "gonna play bb for a little after work", you can imagine my reaction. I texted him right away, again, saying it was a bad idea & expressing Again how wrong it would be to cancel on the bride & groom, let alone me! He went, anyway, not even acknowledging my text.
Low & behold, when I tried to wake him up to get ready for the wedding, he said he didn't think it was a good idea for him to go. He said, he'd probably wind up getting to work late and would get in trouble if he was late. PISSED.. the girls and I went alone & had to apologize for him.
AS IF, all of that was not enough.. DICK moves for a day... as soon as the 'party' is beginning at the wedding. I look down at my phone & see the text.. "woke up late & rushed out of the house w/o my keys, when will you be home so I can go to work?" REALLY??? The girls and I had to rush home to let him in the house to get his keys.. now having two different apologies for the bride and groom that so graciously invited us to their wedding.
WHAT THE FUCK??
All of this happened, on top of his complete neglect (again) this week. He was off work on Tuesday & Wednesday of this week. Monday night, on his way to work, he sends me a text that says he wants to talk about having a baby with me. Now, I've wanted another baby for a very long time, but as the years have passed, I gave up hope. I mean, I'm almost 35 years old. The girls are years away from being completely grown & independent. Why now?? But, I was excited to consider the idea & more importantly, excited that he was actually taking an interest in me.. in us & wanted to spend some time together (for once) on his days off.
Well, I get up early Tuesday morning (I mean 430am, early) so that I'm up & ready to hang with him when he gets off. However, what does he do when he gets off work?? Without even so much as a good morning, he plops on the xbox & begins playing some ridiculous game w/ the same guys he just worked with for 10 hours!! REALLY?? He, no exaggeration here, sat in the basement the entire time he was off!! Aside from being woken & forced (by the girls) to join us for dinner each night, he was on the couch playing or sleeping until it was time for him to go back to work Thursday night!!!
Seriously.. what the fuck is going on here?? What is wrong with him?? NOOOO.. what is wrong with me that I have put up with this for so fucking long?? I don't know.. I know I am extra bitchy/crampy.. but, really... he's an asshole, right?? He really doesn't give a fuck about anyone but himself. He does whatever he wants.. all the time. He stays after work Every single night & plays a few games of pool for a few hours w/o even bothering to tell me. For months, I thought he was cheating on me b/c his paycheck never reflected the hours he was gone from the house. He, finally, admitted that he plays pool some nights, but still never bothers to tell me when he does. I've completely given up on caring whether he texts me or comes home 'on-time' b/c neither happen.
I've also, given up on the fact that he ever will come sleep in bed with me again. Unless, of course, he's horny.. but that is the case less and less these days. Now, on top of all those things, he's decided to play basketball whenever he wants, even if it means he'll miss work or cancel on a wedding that has been in the works for over 6 months!! REALLY??
PLEASE.. tell me I'm not the crazy one?? I try, so hard to be good to him, take care of him, the girls, the dogs, the house. I still provide More than 1/2 the income.. so he can't even pretend like this is some kind of "I pay the bills" shit. FUCK... I am so stupid & pathetic.. I must be.. to accept this.. to admit it... I am so tempted to hit the 'draft' button on this post, but fuck it.. it is what it is. I keep preaching, writing a book even, about making changes in your life for the better. Why is it always hardest to listen to your own advice?
Sadly, the main reason I started dieting and working out was because of how insecure this man has made me feel.
Now, however, I am starting to feel great in every other aspect of my life. I think, I'm starting to feel so good that I've realized I do not, in fact, deserve to be treated this way. I am hoping that this blog entry isn't too candid or bitchy, but honestly.. I feel so alone & isolated from the real world since our move to WV. He's really the only person in this area that I know. I can't continue on & really need some support.
Thanks for listening & more importantly... thanks in advance if you take the time to offer some advice. Unwanted advice is the worst!! Trust me, I know... but, I know hitting the send button is my cry for help. I am ready for it! Please... help.... =(
Well, last Friday night/Saturday morning (he works the night shift 8pm-5am) he decided to play basketball right after work. He came home around noon & passed out. Of course, when it was time to get up for work, he decided to call in sick. He was sore & tired from playing basketball. I was a little upset then, but he promised me that he would still make it to the wedding. He said we could take separate cars there & he would just head straight from the wedding to work. Not exactly my idea of a real date, but at least he wouldn't completely bail on the wedding. I know how expensive each guest at wedding can be & expressed exactly how Fucked up it would be for him to simply "no-show" after we RSVP.
Well, sometime in the middle of the week, he mentioned that the guys were playing basketball again this Saturday. I told him that I really didn't think it was a good idea to play & the chances of him not going to the wedding were huge if he played in the morning. He agreed, or at least pretended, and dropped it. So, when I woke up to a text he sent at his lunch break saying "gonna play bb for a little after work", you can imagine my reaction. I texted him right away, again, saying it was a bad idea & expressing Again how wrong it would be to cancel on the bride & groom, let alone me! He went, anyway, not even acknowledging my text.
Low & behold, when I tried to wake him up to get ready for the wedding, he said he didn't think it was a good idea for him to go. He said, he'd probably wind up getting to work late and would get in trouble if he was late. PISSED.. the girls and I went alone & had to apologize for him.
AS IF, all of that was not enough.. DICK moves for a day... as soon as the 'party' is beginning at the wedding. I look down at my phone & see the text.. "woke up late & rushed out of the house w/o my keys, when will you be home so I can go to work?" REALLY??? The girls and I had to rush home to let him in the house to get his keys.. now having two different apologies for the bride and groom that so graciously invited us to their wedding.
WHAT THE FUCK??
All of this happened, on top of his complete neglect (again) this week. He was off work on Tuesday & Wednesday of this week. Monday night, on his way to work, he sends me a text that says he wants to talk about having a baby with me. Now, I've wanted another baby for a very long time, but as the years have passed, I gave up hope. I mean, I'm almost 35 years old. The girls are years away from being completely grown & independent. Why now?? But, I was excited to consider the idea & more importantly, excited that he was actually taking an interest in me.. in us & wanted to spend some time together (for once) on his days off.
Well, I get up early Tuesday morning (I mean 430am, early) so that I'm up & ready to hang with him when he gets off. However, what does he do when he gets off work?? Without even so much as a good morning, he plops on the xbox & begins playing some ridiculous game w/ the same guys he just worked with for 10 hours!! REALLY?? He, no exaggeration here, sat in the basement the entire time he was off!! Aside from being woken & forced (by the girls) to join us for dinner each night, he was on the couch playing or sleeping until it was time for him to go back to work Thursday night!!!
Seriously.. what the fuck is going on here?? What is wrong with him?? NOOOO.. what is wrong with me that I have put up with this for so fucking long?? I don't know.. I know I am extra bitchy/crampy.. but, really... he's an asshole, right?? He really doesn't give a fuck about anyone but himself. He does whatever he wants.. all the time. He stays after work Every single night & plays a few games of pool for a few hours w/o even bothering to tell me. For months, I thought he was cheating on me b/c his paycheck never reflected the hours he was gone from the house. He, finally, admitted that he plays pool some nights, but still never bothers to tell me when he does. I've completely given up on caring whether he texts me or comes home 'on-time' b/c neither happen.
I've also, given up on the fact that he ever will come sleep in bed with me again. Unless, of course, he's horny.. but that is the case less and less these days. Now, on top of all those things, he's decided to play basketball whenever he wants, even if it means he'll miss work or cancel on a wedding that has been in the works for over 6 months!! REALLY??
PLEASE.. tell me I'm not the crazy one?? I try, so hard to be good to him, take care of him, the girls, the dogs, the house. I still provide More than 1/2 the income.. so he can't even pretend like this is some kind of "I pay the bills" shit. FUCK... I am so stupid & pathetic.. I must be.. to accept this.. to admit it... I am so tempted to hit the 'draft' button on this post, but fuck it.. it is what it is. I keep preaching, writing a book even, about making changes in your life for the better. Why is it always hardest to listen to your own advice?
Sadly, the main reason I started dieting and working out was because of how insecure this man has made me feel.
Now, however, I am starting to feel great in every other aspect of my life. I think, I'm starting to feel so good that I've realized I do not, in fact, deserve to be treated this way. I am hoping that this blog entry isn't too candid or bitchy, but honestly.. I feel so alone & isolated from the real world since our move to WV. He's really the only person in this area that I know. I can't continue on & really need some support.
Thanks for listening & more importantly... thanks in advance if you take the time to offer some advice. Unwanted advice is the worst!! Trust me, I know... but, I know hitting the send button is my cry for help. I am ready for it! Please... help.... =(
Thursday, June 5, 2014
Up All Night!!!
Does anyone else, out there in blogtopia, have an extremely defiant and rebellious brain?? You know, the kind of brain that seems to always do the exact opposite of what is needed. For example, the more important the day ahead, the more relaxation/meditation I do to ease my brain for a good nights rest, the more restless it becomes. It's like my brain is a rebellious teenager & I already have 3 of those living in my house. I, most certainly, do not need one living inside my head.
Dear brain,
When I say, "It is time to go to sleep" do not back talk me with your scattered, racing thoughts. Do not defy me by purposefully remembering every "to-do" item on my never-ending list. Certainly, do not rebel me by only coming up with creative ideas after I've told you to rest & ignoring my inquires while I'm sitting with my fingers on the keyboard waiting on your direction. Sometimes, frankly, YOU SUCK!!
Dear brain,
When I say, "It is time to go to sleep" do not back talk me with your scattered, racing thoughts. Do not defy me by purposefully remembering every "to-do" item on my never-ending list. Certainly, do not rebel me by only coming up with creative ideas after I've told you to rest & ignoring my inquires while I'm sitting with my fingers on the keyboard waiting on your direction. Sometimes, frankly, YOU SUCK!!
Wednesday, June 4, 2014
Playing Mom & Dad
In my 14 years of parenthood, I've spent more than half of that time playing mom & dad to my daughters. So far, the task has been easy & came naturally. However, my oldest daughter, now, has her first 'real' boyfriend. He's a sweet kid, but unfortunately comes with the typical drama that any cute 15 year old boy carries. He has an ex-girlfriend that wants him back & is causing petty internet drama trying to stir things up with the new couple.
It worries me, as a mother, because I don't want to see my baby girl get hurt. So, the fatherly instinct in me, decided to be proactive and talk to the boy in, what can only be described as, a motherly fashion... I think??
I simply said, 'so, I hear you love my daughter. Well, it took me 13 years to create that perfect, honest & kind heart that you love & if you break it or damage it, in anyway, you'll have to answer to me & I'm stronger than I look''
Then her best friend, Lexi, cut into the conversation as I was walking out of the room. I overheard her say, 'yeah, me too... if you hurt her, I'll cut off your toe!''
As I reached the second floor to my house, I yelled downstairs, ''I'll cut off something else!''
Ha ha... my joke was laughed at by all the kids comfortably hanging in my living room (which on a whole 'nother soap box... I'm regretting moving to the basement & have to convince my poor mule aka 'the fiance' to move it back to the second floor aka 'easier to spy space')
I just really hope my original message was heard, understood & will be taken seriously. I also pray that this boy doesn't break my daughters perfect heart. As I tried to explain to her, every person you love changes you on levels equivalent to the amount of love you share.
Whether that change is good or bad, I'm nervous to watch my daughter grow and morph into a young woman. At the same time, I'm also very excited & understand, fully, that this is all just part of the greater process child-rearing. You nurture them, love them, hug them and kiss them. You teach them, model for them, attempt to inspire & enlighten them. Then, after all that hard work... you must simply (ha) let them go!!
Ugh, wish me luck blogtopia!!
What was I thinking??
The answer to that question, no matter who is asking or who is being asked is.. I wasn't!!
I am very pleased & shocked that so many people (5,149 to be exact) have taken the time to check out my blog 21 day challenge by Stephanie Chasles However, I don't know why I didn't take the time to start a new blog, solely dedicated to the challenge, at the start. Now, because of it's magnitude, I feel as though it would be inappropriate to continue on, writing my random thoughts, as I once did, on the previous blog. I wish, even further, that there was a way to steal all of those old posts (the random ones) and put them on here.
I hope, eventually, I will figure out a way to sort the random from the diet stuff, but for now. It is what it is. I will continue to only post diet related posts on the old site & begin a completely new & ever-random journey here. Thanks for your support, your time, your interest & your patience.
This past week has been more busy and chaotic than during the challenge, due to the final results update. Along with the blog readers in general, I have received a number of emails requesting copies of the book (which is not even complete yet) & requesting personal help with their own challenge. It would have been so much easier had I just taken the "Advocare" products with my sister and then worked hard like I intended anyway. So, instead of selling my own knowledge and expertise, I could just push some supplements and rack in the dough.
But... I've never been one to take the easy way. I thought, I could successfully meet my fitness goals on my own, based on my knowledge of nutrition and exercise. I know, I can help people through the more difficult aspects of any diet, which is getting motivated, getting to the root cause of the weight problem to begin with and maintaining self-confidence regardless of weight (because of my education in psychology)... All of which, are key to successful and lasting results. So, I did it my way and, now, I have 10 emails/phone calls awaiting my reply at any given minute & a book to get to the editor ASAP!!
Let's not forget the fact that I am also working on my dissertation to finish my PhD, I have 2 preteen/teen daughters that will be home for the summer in 7 days, a very special little lady named Briley that I watch, teach, learn from and grow with everyday & a very young, very inconsistent fiance that teeters back and forth from being my best friend to a couch/xbox potato & yet another person I have to look after and last, but certainly not least, I have my health (or lack thereof) that always seems to fail me when I need it the most.
Let's not forget the fact that I am also working on my dissertation to finish my PhD, I have 2 preteen/teen daughters that will be home for the summer in 7 days, a very special little lady named Briley that I watch, teach, learn from and grow with everyday & a very young, very inconsistent fiance that teeters back and forth from being my best friend to a couch/xbox potato & yet another person I have to look after and last, but certainly not least, I have my health (or lack thereof) that always seems to fail me when I need it the most.
I have a very rare blood disorder called sickle-beta thalasemia anemia. It's rare because it's really two different blood disorders & I, unfortunately, have both and it's rare because, frankly, I'm white. But, as my former students at CCMS ( a predominantly black and Hispanic middle school, at which I began my teaching career) use to say... I'm not really white. I'm Italian and Greek & it is more common among Mediterranean folks like myself. So, my disease throws curve balls at me regularly. No, regularly is not the right word. Regularly sounds as if they are thrown in some consistent "regular" way... No, my disease is so randomly chaotic, just like my life.
So, here it is.. my new Random Chaos blog.. thanks for following me to the new page. I have a lot of work ahead of me and a crazy busy summer well on its way, but I plan to check in here often for much needed venting!!
Wish me luck blogtopia!!
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