Ok, blogtopia... I need your help here. I need to know if I have the right to be upset or am I just being a pms-y bitch?? The little angel that I watch daily, Briley's parents got married today. Now, mind you, they sent out the invitation long ago & before we replied, Jonathon made sure he could take off work. He had exactly one more 'sick' day left. So, we RSVP for the 4 of us. Again, this was months ago & has been on the calendar since. Now, I know a man (at least my man) doesn't look at the calendar often, even though it has vital information regarding the whereabouts of the entire house day to day. So, I also continued to verbally remind him every once in awhile as well.
Well, last Friday night/Saturday morning (he works the night shift 8pm-5am) he decided to play basketball right after work. He came home around noon & passed out. Of course, when it was time to get up for work, he decided to call in sick. He was sore & tired from playing basketball. I was a little upset then, but he promised me that he would still make it to the wedding. He said we could take separate cars there & he would just head straight from the wedding to work. Not exactly my idea of a real date, but at least he wouldn't completely bail on the wedding. I know how expensive each guest at wedding can be & expressed exactly how Fucked up it would be for him to simply "no-show" after we RSVP.
Well, sometime in the middle of the week, he mentioned that the guys were playing basketball again this Saturday. I told him that I really didn't think it was a good idea to play & the chances of him not going to the wedding were huge if he played in the morning. He agreed, or at least pretended, and dropped it. So, when I woke up to a text he sent at his lunch break saying "gonna play bb for a little after work", you can imagine my reaction. I texted him right away, again, saying it was a bad idea & expressing Again how wrong it would be to cancel on the bride & groom, let alone me! He went, anyway, not even acknowledging my text.
Low & behold, when I tried to wake him up to get ready for the wedding, he said he didn't think it was a good idea for him to go. He said, he'd probably wind up getting to work late and would get in trouble if he was late. PISSED.. the girls and I went alone & had to apologize for him.
AS IF, all of that was not enough.. DICK moves for a day... as soon as the 'party' is beginning at the wedding. I look down at my phone & see the text.. "woke up late & rushed out of the house w/o my keys, when will you be home so I can go to work?" REALLY??? The girls and I had to rush home to let him in the house to get his keys.. now having two different apologies for the bride and groom that so graciously invited us to their wedding.
WHAT THE FUCK??
All of this happened, on top of his complete neglect (again) this week. He was off work on Tuesday & Wednesday of this week. Monday night, on his way to work, he sends me a text that says he wants to talk about having a baby with me. Now, I've wanted another baby for a very long time, but as the years have passed, I gave up hope. I mean, I'm almost 35 years old. The girls are years away from being completely grown & independent. Why now?? But, I was excited to consider the idea & more importantly, excited that he was actually taking an interest in me.. in us & wanted to spend some time together (for once) on his days off.
Well, I get up early Tuesday morning (I mean 430am, early) so that I'm up & ready to hang with him when he gets off. However, what does he do when he gets off work?? Without even so much as a good morning, he plops on the xbox & begins playing some ridiculous game w/ the same guys he just worked with for 10 hours!! REALLY?? He, no exaggeration here, sat in the basement the entire time he was off!! Aside from being woken & forced (by the girls) to join us for dinner each night, he was on the couch playing or sleeping until it was time for him to go back to work Thursday night!!!
Seriously.. what the fuck is going on here?? What is wrong with him?? NOOOO.. what is wrong with me that I have put up with this for so fucking long?? I don't know.. I know I am extra bitchy/crampy.. but, really... he's an asshole, right?? He really doesn't give a fuck about anyone but himself. He does whatever he wants.. all the time. He stays after work Every single night & plays a few games of pool for a few hours w/o even bothering to tell me. For months, I thought he was cheating on me b/c his paycheck never reflected the hours he was gone from the house. He, finally, admitted that he plays pool some nights, but still never bothers to tell me when he does. I've completely given up on caring whether he texts me or comes home 'on-time' b/c neither happen.
I've also, given up on the fact that he ever will come sleep in bed with me again. Unless, of course, he's horny.. but that is the case less and less these days. Now, on top of all those things, he's decided to play basketball whenever he wants, even if it means he'll miss work or cancel on a wedding that has been in the works for over 6 months!! REALLY??
PLEASE.. tell me I'm not the crazy one?? I try, so hard to be good to him, take care of him, the girls, the dogs, the house. I still provide More than 1/2 the income.. so he can't even pretend like this is some kind of "I pay the bills" shit. FUCK... I am so stupid & pathetic.. I must be.. to accept this.. to admit it... I am so tempted to hit the 'draft' button on this post, but fuck it.. it is what it is. I keep preaching, writing a book even, about making changes in your life for the better. Why is it always hardest to listen to your own advice?
Sadly, the main reason I started dieting and working out was because of how insecure this man has made me feel.
Now, however, I am starting to feel great in every other aspect of my life. I think, I'm starting to feel so good that I've realized I do not, in fact, deserve to be treated this way. I am hoping that this blog entry isn't too candid or bitchy, but honestly.. I feel so alone & isolated from the real world since our move to WV. He's really the only person in this area that I know. I can't continue on & really need some support.
Thanks for listening & more importantly... thanks in advance if you take the time to offer some advice. Unwanted advice is the worst!! Trust me, I know... but, I know hitting the send button is my cry for help. I am ready for it! Please... help.... =(
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