I feel like I'm walking in an endless circle of frustration and tears. I swear, if I were my teeth, I'd jump out of my mouth too. Over the past summer, I have talked about and cried over my teeth more than most people talk and cry about anything!!
So, what happened this time?? Glad you asked... because I need to get this off my chest and then go the fuck to bed!! On friday, I receive a phone call from the UM dental school (finally considering I've been waiting a month for their call) and they ask if I can come in Monday to meet with the oral surgeon. Monday!?! Ok, I have no life or responsibilities or plans whatsoever, sure. (Of course, I do have all of those things, but I'm desperate to get this show on the road)
So, I drive 2 hours to Baltimore yesterday and immediately after I walk into the office, as I am still standing beside the dental chair, the oral surgeon turns to me and says, we cannot treat you in this office because your infection/case is too complex. You need to go across the street to the oral surgery hospital and be admitted and treated in a hospital setting. (I'm thinking, great.. that is exactly what I've been praying for b/c in a 'hospital setting' Medicare has to pay most of the costs).
She continues to give me instructions to head over there right away. I stop her and ask specifically, "am I having surgery today? Because I don't have a ride home, I'm only here with my daughter" and she said, "Oh, ok can you come first thing tomorrow morning?" So, again... because I don't have a life or a million things going on, I say 'sure'. She gives me instructions to be there as early as possible in the morning & make sure I don't eat anything after midnight in case they are able to do surgery tomorrow. So, I ask again for clarification, "So, is this just another consult or am I definitely being admitted to the hospital once I go over there because if it's just a consult, I can go over there now, right?" "Yes, ma'am, you need to be admitted to the hospital and receive IV antibiotics and pre-op blood transfusion" Great.. these people have finally got it figured out and I'm headed in the right direction... finally!!
Driving home, I text a million people to work out arrangements for someone to come with me, someone to take Caitlin to cheer then 9th grade orientation, someone else to take Madi to and from her last day of tryouts and someone else to stay the night at our house with the dogs. Getting all that situated before we even get back to WV, I was finally starting to let myself feel hopeful and then before bed, nervous even. I was finally going to have this infection taken care of once and for ALL!!
This morning comes pouring in.. literally.. it was POURING this morning the entire 2 & 1/2 hour ride to Baltimore while Fraz was sleeping in the passenger seat. I should have known that was my sign. I hate driving in the rain. I can't see a thing and my truck hydroplanes very easily. I should have stayed home!!
I really wish I listened to that bad feeling in my gut the whole ride there that this was a bad idea. I thought I was just nervous about the surgery itself, but no. I get to all the way there for them to tell me that...
1) I have a serious infection (duh)
2) I have to be treated with IV antibiotics (of course)
3) I need a pre-op blood transfusion (ok, that's standard for me)
4) I need to go elsewhere and get all of that done and then come back (WHAT??)
Yes, they told me that because of all of the above I might need to be admitted to A hospital and while I'm there also get this huge list of tests done BEFORE they will schedule my surgery. I instantly started crying while simultaneously Jonathon got pissed. As I tried to explain why I was so upset and everything that I've been through over at the dental school (including but not limited to, paying over 300 dollars now on 4 different 'consultations' and basically bounced from floor to floor, now building to building)
Whilst in the same room with me crying, the dental surgeon looks at the student and says, "Please explain to Her this offices procedures" (like I'm a fucking deaf, blind baby) and walks out of the room!!
Are You Fucking Kidding Me???
I think I'm getting the hint. After spending my entire summer and half my dental savings budget on the UM Dental School, I'm coming to realize, my case is obviously too complex for any of them to handle, so they just keep bullshitting me and sending me to other people.
I'm so done with Baltimore.. I'm so done with my mouth and my teeth... Seriously, does anyone have fucking pliers?? I'll pay you??
OH.... and I would say this was the worst day of my life.. However, there is always a silver lining.. I got home just in time to catch the end of Caitlin's 9th grade orientation AND the best part of the day.. I was the first one to hear Madi Love rip open her cheer tryout letter and scream "VARSITY!!" Yay!! Go Madi!! Thank you baby for making it possible to still fall asleep with a smile on my face!! I love you both so much and I can't believe you guys are starting middle/high school in a few days and made the cheer teams!!... I'm so proud of both of you!!
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
Wednesday, July 23, 2014
Before and After Pictures....
I can write until my fingers fall off, but the proof is in the pictures!!! Wow... I knew the numbers had changed a bit since the beginning of the challenge, but seriously had no idea how drastically Yoga and eating right combined has changed every single muscle in my body!!
Yet another bump in the road
As if, I have not enough problems with my health at this time, my infection has now prevented any further dental work. I guess I could see the silver lining, I don't have the money to pay for new teeth anyway. Now, I don't have force myself to sleep at night believing I simply can't pay for my dental work. I can now, sleep soundly knowing, instead, I'm too sick And too broke for new teeth. Perhaps it's just not meant to be?
My doctor and dental student at UM suggested I receive treatment for the infection via hospital & IV antibiotics. This route could have potentially forced Medicare to pay for the extractions. However, the doctor at Jefferson Memorial Hospital, not only refused to call the oral surgeon (whom I spoke to prior to going to the hospital and agreed to come see me while I was there), even went as far as to accuse us all of Medicare fraud! Excuse me?? Dr. Brittany Gusic, doesn't the word fraud imply lying?? If you are, in fact, treating me with IV antibiotics for an infection in my mouth and I have a referral from my doctor and dentist saying that it is their medical advice that I have infected teeth removed asap to cease the spread of said infection, how exactly is calling an oral surgeon considered Medicare fraud? If my dental infection is caused by my disease & the continued infection is further jeopardizing my overall health, is it not in Medicare's financial advantage to help cease the problem?
Whilst crying and trying my hardest to explain my dire situation, this so-called doctor, cut me off and said she didn't have time to argue with me. She repeated that she would not admit me, nor call the oral surgeon for consult to see if he wanted to admit me because she was too busy with her patients upstairs. The nurse walked in after she left and apologized for the doctors rudeness. She looked on the computer and said there was only one patient upstairs, a 93 year old woman with pneumonia, sleeping.
Luckily, the ER doctor took some mercy on me and allowed me to do a second round of antibiotics before discharging me. He, also, suggested that I go to a 'better' hospital. He said if I were at City hospital my plan would have worked. He admitted, I'm assuming in effort to make me feel better, that Jefferson is simply an observational hospital. The doctors, while completely capable, choose not to help any patients with real medical issues.
This evening spent in the ER, begging for help, being humiliated and rejected was the exact opposite of what I need right now. My optimism is running low. My will, my drive, my hope is running thin. I have a major problem with minimum resources to solve it.
Thanks, as always, for listening to me bitch.... please keep me your prayers. I know, somewhere deep down inside of me, that a light exists at the end of this tunnel. I'm going to hold on to and focus hard toward that light. I'll find it, right?
Saturday, July 19, 2014
Fuck the System...** Update
First, let me start from the beginning to fully explain how I ended up in this situation. Many people know me, know that I am 'sick', go to the hospital often, need transfusions regularly, but don't quiet know the whole story. After seeing the huge response to my last post and receiving numerous comments and private messaged questions about the details, I've decided to back it up before giving the update. So....
Sickle-beta thalassemia anemia is a very rare genetic blood disorder, even more so in Caucasians. It is so unlikely, in fact, that I was 27 years old and literally dying in the ICU before they figured out what was wrong with me. They never thought to test for sickle-cell disease. After my gallbladder removal surgery turned into a pancreatic infection causing my blood sugar levels to rise and plummet to dangerous (seizure and unconscious) levels, a hematologist in the ICU studied my blood under the microscope. In this last ditch attempt to figure out why they could not stabilize me, the hematologist saved my life!
A few years later, after numerous infections and hospital admissions due to complications from my disease, the doctors made the final decision that I could no longer teach. Although, I'm sure my daughters would say that almost losing me in the ICU was the scariest, most depressing time in their lives.... for me, it was losing a career that I loved and the ability to financially support my daughters on my own, that was the most heart breaking.
Life wasn't easy, by far. The 'system' is such that once an individual is placed on disability, they must wait 2 years before they receive Medicare!! So, two years without medical insurance to see my primary care doctor or hematologist, left me at the hands of the ER for all my medical needs (from basic infections and transfusions to sickle vaso-occlusive crisis), all of which increased without the ability for preventive care and routine transfusions.
Nonetheless, we made it through all of this. In fact, I'd like to believe the entire ordeal has made us stronger and more grateful for every little blessing. We had to move from the suburbs and private schools of MD to West Virginia to save money. The move ended up being a blessing, in and of itself, finding friends, support and the sense of community that is hard to come by in the 'city' and overall life has been pretty good, almost perfect.
However, there is one more BIG 'glitch' in this nations health care system and that is the lack of dental coverage for the sick and elderly on Social Security. There is absolutely NO dental care plan for the people who need it the most. As I have recently learned, the hard way, sickle cell disease increases the risk for periodontists (gum infections) and causes more rapid tooth decay. Because I don't have any dental insurance, but continue to suffer from recurring infections on my gums, my doctor recommended I visit the University of Maryland Dental School because they provide dental services at a fraction of the cost elsewhere.
Imagine my heart break when the dental student handed me an estimate of 17,492 dollars!! In fact, I found out today, that cost didn't even include the cost of anesthesia, which is an additional $500 for every separate surgery!! Because my case is so complex, involving a serious infection and bone grafts, it will probably take 8 to 10 separate surgeries!! I was in hyperventilating shock, to say the absolute least.
When I met with the financial assistance director at the Dental School, I remained hopeful and positive that she would find a way, any way to help me. After years of searching, this is truly my last stop on the road to healthy teeth. She informed me that, while people on temporary disability can receive a grant to have their entire dental bill covered, those on permanent disability get a grant for $1,000!! She also said, with a smile, that I was approved for the maximum financial assistance they offer. I was not smiling when she further explained, that meant 30% off some of the procedures.
So, I headed to Baltimore praying the 17 thousand dollar bill would be reduced into a more manageable number. Instead, she added the $5,000 for anesthesia and then tooth by tooth, took 30% off a few procedures, subtracted the 1,000 dollar grant... and.... I am left with a bill for $18,967!!!
My primary care doctor and hematologist have both strongly suggested this surgery be done as soon as possible because in the past few months alone, I have been on antibiotics more than off. This alone, will eventually cause the infections to become resistant to antibiotics. I've also been admitted, twice, to the hospital for IV antibiotics in the past 3 months.
They fear the infection will soon spread to my blood and/or heart, left untreated.
I'm not sure what else to do... I guess I'll start here.....?
When I shared with my family that close to 1,000 people read my 'fuck the system' post, my daughter said, "wow if each of those people donated like 20 bucks, you'd have enough for your surgery!" So, she added me to her gofundme page and asked me to share it on here.
Click here for more info on her campaign
I can promise you that any money donated will go directly to the dental work and if, by chance, I receive more than I personally need, I will be starting a campaign for other people, like myself, that are in this situation. Something must be done to help the hardworking Americans in this country receive the support they need when they are no longer able to work. It is so easy to ignore the sick and elderly & so incredibly unfair to do so! I will continue to be the voice for those on medicare who need dental coverage, both basic and extensive.
If you'd like to join us and help financially, share the info with others, or even just stop to read the update... thank you so much for your support. I was feeling very hopeless and alone through all of this. Just knowing that so many people care enough to take the time to read my story has been so reassuring.
With love and gratitude,
~Stephanie
Sickle-beta thalassemia anemia is a very rare genetic blood disorder, even more so in Caucasians. It is so unlikely, in fact, that I was 27 years old and literally dying in the ICU before they figured out what was wrong with me. They never thought to test for sickle-cell disease. After my gallbladder removal surgery turned into a pancreatic infection causing my blood sugar levels to rise and plummet to dangerous (seizure and unconscious) levels, a hematologist in the ICU studied my blood under the microscope. In this last ditch attempt to figure out why they could not stabilize me, the hematologist saved my life!
A few years later, after numerous infections and hospital admissions due to complications from my disease, the doctors made the final decision that I could no longer teach. Although, I'm sure my daughters would say that almost losing me in the ICU was the scariest, most depressing time in their lives.... for me, it was losing a career that I loved and the ability to financially support my daughters on my own, that was the most heart breaking.
Life wasn't easy, by far. The 'system' is such that once an individual is placed on disability, they must wait 2 years before they receive Medicare!! So, two years without medical insurance to see my primary care doctor or hematologist, left me at the hands of the ER for all my medical needs (from basic infections and transfusions to sickle vaso-occlusive crisis), all of which increased without the ability for preventive care and routine transfusions.
Nonetheless, we made it through all of this. In fact, I'd like to believe the entire ordeal has made us stronger and more grateful for every little blessing. We had to move from the suburbs and private schools of MD to West Virginia to save money. The move ended up being a blessing, in and of itself, finding friends, support and the sense of community that is hard to come by in the 'city' and overall life has been pretty good, almost perfect.
However, there is one more BIG 'glitch' in this nations health care system and that is the lack of dental coverage for the sick and elderly on Social Security. There is absolutely NO dental care plan for the people who need it the most. As I have recently learned, the hard way, sickle cell disease increases the risk for periodontists (gum infections) and causes more rapid tooth decay. Because I don't have any dental insurance, but continue to suffer from recurring infections on my gums, my doctor recommended I visit the University of Maryland Dental School because they provide dental services at a fraction of the cost elsewhere.
Imagine my heart break when the dental student handed me an estimate of 17,492 dollars!! In fact, I found out today, that cost didn't even include the cost of anesthesia, which is an additional $500 for every separate surgery!! Because my case is so complex, involving a serious infection and bone grafts, it will probably take 8 to 10 separate surgeries!! I was in hyperventilating shock, to say the absolute least.
When I met with the financial assistance director at the Dental School, I remained hopeful and positive that she would find a way, any way to help me. After years of searching, this is truly my last stop on the road to healthy teeth. She informed me that, while people on temporary disability can receive a grant to have their entire dental bill covered, those on permanent disability get a grant for $1,000!! She also said, with a smile, that I was approved for the maximum financial assistance they offer. I was not smiling when she further explained, that meant 30% off some of the procedures.
So, I headed to Baltimore praying the 17 thousand dollar bill would be reduced into a more manageable number. Instead, she added the $5,000 for anesthesia and then tooth by tooth, took 30% off a few procedures, subtracted the 1,000 dollar grant... and.... I am left with a bill for $18,967!!!
My primary care doctor and hematologist have both strongly suggested this surgery be done as soon as possible because in the past few months alone, I have been on antibiotics more than off. This alone, will eventually cause the infections to become resistant to antibiotics. I've also been admitted, twice, to the hospital for IV antibiotics in the past 3 months.
They fear the infection will soon spread to my blood and/or heart, left untreated.
I'm not sure what else to do... I guess I'll start here.....?
When I shared with my family that close to 1,000 people read my 'fuck the system' post, my daughter said, "wow if each of those people donated like 20 bucks, you'd have enough for your surgery!" So, she added me to her gofundme page and asked me to share it on here.
Click here for more info on her campaign
I can promise you that any money donated will go directly to the dental work and if, by chance, I receive more than I personally need, I will be starting a campaign for other people, like myself, that are in this situation. Something must be done to help the hardworking Americans in this country receive the support they need when they are no longer able to work. It is so easy to ignore the sick and elderly & so incredibly unfair to do so! I will continue to be the voice for those on medicare who need dental coverage, both basic and extensive.
If you'd like to join us and help financially, share the info with others, or even just stop to read the update... thank you so much for your support. I was feeling very hopeless and alone through all of this. Just knowing that so many people care enough to take the time to read my story has been so reassuring.
With love and gratitude,
~Stephanie
Tuesday, July 15, 2014
FUCK the 'SYSTEM'
Since I've linked this blog to my 'professional page' about Getting Fit I've become hesitant about posting real venting. However, screw it... I'm human and right now.. about to lose my mind and could use all the support I can get, even if that support is simply being heard.
As many of you reading this blog know, I'm on Medicare because of my genetic blood disorder, sickle-beta thalessemia anemia. I had found my passion in life, teaching, and by no fault of my own (a fact that was hard for me to finally realize), my career was taken from me and I was forced onto disability.
Our so-called 'system' in this country is so backwards that...
.... 1) they make you wait TWO years after being medically forbidden from working and put on disability before they give you Medicare (health insurance). Mind the fact, I didn't stop being sick during those two years. So, instead of being able to receive any preventive care, I had to use the ER as my only source of medical care from basic infections to sickle cell vaso-occlusive crisis (which occur much more frequently when I don't receive preventive transfusions). These two, short, uncovered years, loaded me with overwhelming medical bills impossible to pay on my new salary (about 1/3 of what I was making teaching), completely demolishing any credit I had finally improved since my ex husband did his own demolishing upon his departure.
... 2) and, Medicare provides absolutely NO dental coverage!!
Reminder... Medicare is... the insurance for this nations sick and/or retired hard-working Americans...
Not ...Medicaid... the free insurance for all children, immigrants and basically anyone that chooses not to work, ever!
All that, basically old news but relevant to the upcoming complaint, said... I've also recently learned, the hard way, that my insufficient blood supply causes severe gum infections/swelling and rapid tooth decay. I traveled all the way to the University of Maryland Dental School (supposedly much cheaper than anywhere else) to receive an estimate of $17,000 to fix the damage done (again, by my disease and through no fault of my own other than not visiting a dentist in the past few years, as I have No dental insurance)!
As you can probably tell by now, I'm angry. Under the anger, I'm scared and so bewilderingly lost. I need to have my teeth fixed (fact), I'll never have 17k to spend on myself (fact), My credit is so f-ed up that no one would dare finance me that kind of money (fact).
On top of this cluster-fuck, also referred to as my unfortunate health circumstances, my ex husband does not pay child support. In fact, the last statement I received from Child Support Services, said he owed me $65,450 in back child support. Hmm... So, now it's one of those rare and ever-so-frustrating moments where I'm actually wishing that he was a normal, caring and responsible parent that helped with the care of his kids, thereby alleviating some of my financial troubles.
Well, he couldn't have picked a better time to start a new facebook page and attempt to contact me, setting me far-too-close to the freaking edge!!
One~ I know he has an upcoming court date and, like always, is contacting me so he can lie to a judge and convince them he is a good father. He plays this same game every 2 to 3 years when the court system finally catches up with him. He pays 50 to 100 bucks in small increments right before the 'show' for the judge. He walks into court, acts his ass off and the charges are dropped. He promises the judge to continue to pay (and never does)! Worse, when I let him, he'd also lie to the girls and promise to stay in touch, as well (which he also never did once the 'show' was over). We've all wised up and could care-less about seeing or talking to him. However....
Two~ Usually, I ignore these bi-yearly fake shows or the pocket change that comes in the mail. However, this time.... this fucking time... this guy's profile picture has him standing in front of palm trees, surrounded by Disney characters smiling and in his stupid fucking mouth, he has BRACES!! As in, "I owe you 65K which could easily fix your broken teeth AND send our kids to college, but instead I've bought a trip to Disney (w/o kids) and mother-fucking aesthetic adult BRACES!!"
I know I sound like a toddler when I say this, but this crap really IS NOT FAIR!! I worked hard then became sick, very sick for awhile and through it all, always took care of the girls, putting their needs over my own no matter what. I did what was expected of me and then some. I think of myself as a good person. I've always tried to help those around me, without ever expecting anything in return. But, here I am, stuck in this horrible situation caused by the cracks in our so-called 'system'.
Am I wrong to think American's on Medicare (the sick and elderly) deserve dental care??
... especially when they are far-too young to be toothless??
... especially when it is their genetic disease that has caused said potential molar-less situation??
Am I wrong to think the Child Support System should act faster and more severely when dealing with voluntarily-impoverished parents that purposefully avoid working legally to avoid paying for their responsibilities??
Do I dare think help should be provided for the people that have fallen into these cracks, like myself??
I'm really sorry for this long, uncharacteristically, negative and frankly bitchy post. I am just so freaking irate and feel so unbelievably hopeless. I, honestly, don't know what to do next, but figured getting it all off my chest and out to the world might be a good start.
Please, keep me and the girls in your prayers. Unfortunately, this situation affects them as well, which sucks the most. I am so tired of burdening them with my jacked-up health misfortune. They deserve better and dare I say, I think I do too? I guess, the silver-lining (b/c I really always try to find one), is that after all is said and done... we will come out stronger in the end... we always do.
If you know of anything that could potentially help me out of this crack and back onto level ground, please don't hesitate to share. I am open to any and all suggestions at this point!
Thank you for reading, listening and therefore supporting me.
Wish me, at the least, luck!?
~Stephanie
Saturday, July 12, 2014
All natural & a little souped up pride ;)
How long has it been since you've 1) let your hair dry naturally 2) left the house with No face makeup AND **3) worn short~shorts and a belly shirt??? If it's been since high school... then, you need to read my blog (GET FIT) to find out my secrets to looking and feeling young and hot everyday!!
Friday, July 4, 2014
Holy Freaking Energy!!!
Good Lord! I woke up 'late' today because it's my day off. However, I knew that I had to get my blog post & workout done early because I'll be partying later. So, I popped a tea bag in my lemon cleanse & guzzled it down, put on the fat blaster yoga video & got to work.
By the time I was done 20 minutes of yoga, my brain was on fire! I had to hold back some of my rambling & save it for future posts because i know everyone is busy today (lucky them or my post would've gone on for days!) Now, only 2 short hours since I've been up, I've completed Everything on the to-do list and then some!
I've really gotten hooked to doing yoga before bed because it helps me sleep so soundly and wake up so easily. But seriously, doing it in the morning....rock star mode ignited!! Guess I'll be continuing on this path doing yoga in am & pm?? Can't hurt, that's for sure!
I really hope everyone reading my posts are at the least, trying some of the suggestions because I am feeling absolutely amazing & my only goal on this path is to share the wealth & amazingness with as many people as possible!
Wish me luck!
Thursday, July 3, 2014
Day of rest??
Why is it such that even when I've 'penciled in' a day of rest on my calendar, I still feel uber guilty for relaxing and 'wasting' a day? So far, these past few weeks of summer have flown by at lightening speed. It's been chaotic, fun and exhausting.
Last night, I got a migraine headache so severe, I was smelling non-existent popcorn. I guess, I'm lucky that my phantom smell was actually a pleasant one. However, smelling something that no one else can smell is never a reassuring thing!
So, I penciled in a day of rest. I relaxed all day with the girls and Briley. We slept in late, watched some tv in bed & took a long nap. I should feel great after all that sleep, but instead just feel evermore tired. I'm also kicking myself for not utilizing the day better, getting my challenge blog posted earlier & overall knocking more off the never-ending to-do list.
Oh well, I think an extra round of yoga might ease my negative/sleepy mind. I'm really loving the constant burn and overall workout of yoga. Because of the migraine last night, I wasn't able to do any yoga before bed. Perhaps that is the very reason I spent so much time in bed today.
It may just be me, but when I do yoga within an hour before I go to sleep, I wake up right before my alarm goes off ready to take on the world. This is particularly sweet for someone like me whom, before I discovered yoga, was unable to get out of bed until I was handed a cup of coffee!
So, there it is & here I am... right here, right now. Regretful of the time lost.... No, working harder to make up for lost time?? Yeah, that's a good switch.
I will work hard this evening to ensure an energetically fabulous 4th of July weekend!! BOOM ;)
Wish me luck!
Wednesday, July 2, 2014
Why do my kids hate sleep??
It's bad enough that my girls fought naps when they were toddlers. It seemed as though they feared they'd miss out on something good if they took a nap or went to bed before the grown ups. Ok, that's normal, I think.
However, now my girls are 11&13 and I'd never dream of asking them to take a nap these days, but why...Oh why do they seem to hate sleep no matter who the sleeper be??
Today was the perfect day to rest and relax. Thunderstorms and nothing on the 'books' all afternoon. So, I let Briley (the only angelic kid that actually enjoys sleep like a normal human) fall asleep on me & as soon as I close my eyes to join her, BOOM. The girls are sitting on my bed.
''Can we watch tv in here''
Well, Fraz is sleeping downstairs so....sure. But, that's not enough...
''mommy, mommy, open your eyes, look at that, you're missing this, look, look!!''
My nap was over before it began :(
Worse yet, as soon as Briley leaves, they suddenly have all types of other things to do now. Yup, it's 330 (aka.. too late for nap time because soon I have to start cooking, showering & getting ready for an evening of cheer time)
So, now I'm wide awake... But, tired & because Briley is gone, my blog entry is complete, my yoga is nothing more than a few sore muscles left for today, I am bored b/c the girls are busy. Couldn't they have been busy during my naptime??
I swear, we need to get this loathing of sleep dissipated soon or this is going to be one very long, overly exhausting summer.
Even poor Briley is suffering from their lack of respect for day time sleep. Last week, she was falling asleep at the dinner table. Her parents were close to sending her to the doctors before I informed them that our usual 2-3 hour naps have been broken up into half hour catnaps throughout the day now!
Oh well, I'm going to close my eyes now & see if my theory stays true. If nothing more, I will have at least solved my boredom problem when the girls 'eyes are closed' alarms go off & they come storming in my room to defeat the sleeping monstrosity!
Wish me luck ;)
Tuesday, July 1, 2014
Sagging shorts & droopy drawers
Am I alone in the opinion that buttcracks need be left to view by the toilet seat alone?
Is it just me, or does it seem as the weather increases, the coverage of buttcracks decreases?
It is amusing, as well, that not only do these buttcrack showing humans have the inability to wear the appropriate size buttwear, but that they also tend to have severe anger management issues.
All I'm saying is this, if you happen to leave your house, butt crack accidentally exposed, the least you could do is thank the brave person that informed you of said unlawful, indecent exposure.
Am I wrong here??
Monday, June 30, 2014
The exciting life of a writer.... NOT!!
Sorry for my absence for the past few weeks. Once I met with my editor and received my 'homework' for the book, I have been hard at work doing research. I always imagined that writing would be this amazingly creative job that included nothing more than sitting in front of a laptop typing away whatever my heart desires. However, whether you are writing a blog about fitness, a fiction novel or an article for a medical journal, 50 percent of your time is spent doing research. While this is the boring part of writing, I know its importance and I'm excited to have learned so much for the next challenge.
Tomorrow I am starting the 21 day challenge over again. This time, however, there will be no 'winging' it. I've got a plan in motion and I know it's going to be a big success! I'm flattered to not only have a book deal in the works, but also to learn that I am an official 'blogger'. Meaning, every click I get on my GET FIT blog, I get paid!! So, please.. if you are not already.. check out the other blog, often. Better even, click away while you're there. I think I get extra if you click on ads that are placed on the blog, all of which should be related to whatever topic I am covering. (Google is so super savvy).
As always, this is the place for my more candid (behind the scenes) life. That said, I cheated a little kinda to ensure I actually found the right yoga videos & I tried the 1st yoga workout tonight. I must admit, 2 minutes into the video, I almost quit. However, I stuck with it & what felt like 5 minutes later the entire 20 minutes had gone by! Madi was doing the video with me and having come from cheer conditioning herself, said that the moves were tough. Tough is good though, right?? The videos I found focus on your core (belly) and let me say.. my core is sore!!! I need to figure out how to post the actual videos on the blog so I'm not one of those crazy people that try to explain with words how to get into 'sitting dog'.
So, guess my homework isn't quiet done,but I'm just so excited to finally be back in front of the laptop with my fingers moving and not just the cursor!! I'm also excited to begin Doing all the great things I've learned!!
Wish me luck!!
Tomorrow I am starting the 21 day challenge over again. This time, however, there will be no 'winging' it. I've got a plan in motion and I know it's going to be a big success! I'm flattered to not only have a book deal in the works, but also to learn that I am an official 'blogger'. Meaning, every click I get on my GET FIT blog, I get paid!! So, please.. if you are not already.. check out the other blog, often. Better even, click away while you're there. I think I get extra if you click on ads that are placed on the blog, all of which should be related to whatever topic I am covering. (Google is so super savvy).
As always, this is the place for my more candid (behind the scenes) life. That said, I cheated a little kinda to ensure I actually found the right yoga videos & I tried the 1st yoga workout tonight. I must admit, 2 minutes into the video, I almost quit. However, I stuck with it & what felt like 5 minutes later the entire 20 minutes had gone by! Madi was doing the video with me and having come from cheer conditioning herself, said that the moves were tough. Tough is good though, right?? The videos I found focus on your core (belly) and let me say.. my core is sore!!! I need to figure out how to post the actual videos on the blog so I'm not one of those crazy people that try to explain with words how to get into 'sitting dog'.
So, guess my homework isn't quiet done,but I'm just so excited to finally be back in front of the laptop with my fingers moving and not just the cursor!! I'm also excited to begin Doing all the great things I've learned!!
Wish me luck!!
Sunday, June 22, 2014
What an incredible year for Briley Birdie!!
Last year, at a neighbors home, I met this sweet and beautiful little girl named Briley. She was laying on the couch on her back, kicking her legs forward as hard as she could, trying to sit up. Out of pure instinct (& because, honestly, I have boundary issues when it comes to babies), I sat down beside her and placed my hands on top of her feet so she could pull herself up. The look on her face when her sit-up was complete and our eyes met was ineffable!!
We locked eyes & I could see her appreciation. I asked my neighbor (her babysitter at the time) if I could pick her up. As soon as she was close enough, she leaned in close for a hug and didn't move. She melted my heart when she tilted her head up to make eye contact with me whilst cuddling. She was so cute & seemed so grateful and happy to meet me.
We locked eyes & I could see her appreciation. I asked my neighbor (her babysitter at the time) if I could pick her up. As soon as she was close enough, she leaned in close for a hug and didn't move. She melted my heart when she tilted her head up to make eye contact with me whilst cuddling. She was so cute & seemed so grateful and happy to meet me.
Luckily, my neighbor asked me to watch her a few times & after some quality alone time with her, I became so intrigued with her uniqueness and her potential for growth and development. When I realized that she was able to stand up with assistance, I didn't doubt that with some practice, she would learn to walk. She was so strong & more importantly, ecstatic to be standing up. It was, as if, standing and stomping her feet was the most fun she'd ever had! She lit up with pride showing off for me, her new friend.
I tried to share some suggestions for exercises that could be done daily to strengthen her legs muscles. I was beginning to share in her excitement. However, as quickly as my heart filled with joy when Briley befriended me, it broke when her babysitter laughed & responded, "She will never walk, they think she will, but I don't think so, do you?? Really?" Keep in mind, poor Bri Bri was still standing there while her babysitter shot down the idea. Briley lowered her head in defeat.
I tried to share some suggestions for exercises that could be done daily to strengthen her legs muscles. I was beginning to share in her excitement. However, as quickly as my heart filled with joy when Briley befriended me, it broke when her babysitter laughed & responded, "She will never walk, they think she will, but I don't think so, do you?? Really?" Keep in mind, poor Bri Bri was still standing there while her babysitter shot down the idea. Briley lowered her head in defeat.
Mercifully, fate placed me in her life at the perfect moment. What began as weekly physical therapy sessions, soon proved to be so much more. I attended Briley's 3rd birthday party a few days before our first session. Within a month, she was my full-time sidekick & bff. Together, we tried out the local public preschool program. However, it was obvious that she had some negative experiences with kids her own age because at that point, she was still very scared of kids her own age or younger.
So, in lieu of formal school, Briley's parents decided to hire me as her physical therapist & one-on-one teacher. So, a year later, on her 4th birthday seems a great time to recap and brag about how far she has come.
In the past year, physically she has learned to.....
1) sit up from laying on her back & recently lay back from the sitting position
2) roll over onto her belly
3) get up on her knees from belly
4) sit up straight on her knees
5) scoot on her butt (first in circles to follow me.. now, all over the place to chase everyone)
6) stand up, with assistance for long periods of time (30-60 minutes)
7) stand up, on her own (till she figures out you've let go)
8) stand up, leaning her back to wall
9) walk in walker
10) walk holding 2 hands & now even 1 hand!
11) walk holding onto tables/couch
12) walk up stairs
13) RUN around in walker (independently & on treadmill)
And, those are just her physical developments!!
Last year, if a child under 5 years old, so much as looked at her, she would break down into tears or purposefully make her eyes go crossed (a gesture, I came to learn, she uses as a defense mechanism to attempt to get people to leave her alone =) She was also incredibly shy!! When anyone would speak to her, she would quickly look down. To get an accurate baseline, I asked her previous babysitter in what ways Briley communicated with adults or kids at her house. She said, she was mostly quiet, looking down, eyes crossed, shaking her head in circles (which I learned later meant she was tired), or crying/yelling for 'no reason'.
Well, if that is her baseline, socially, this has been a major year!! She has learned so much I know I am going to forget things, but I will try my best to list the many ways she now communicates.
Now, to communicate she...
1) answers yes & no questions with appropriate head nods
2) lifts her arms to gesture picked up
3) babbles "briley" language while reading along with books & singing songs
4) says daddy, mommy, baba (bb), HI, Yeah, Oh yeah, kk, and so many more words correctly
5) waves her hand in front of her nose to gesture 'stinky'
6) taps on her lips to gesture hunger/thirst
7) blinks her eyes quickly, repeatedly to gesture sleepy/tired
8) can point to eyes, ears, nose, lips, hair
9) can point to appropriate body part when asked "where do you hear? see? etc..)
10) watches flashcards and attempts to sound out 70 percent of vocab
11) sits in chair during school lessons, engaged & listening (20+mins)
12) says hi & bye (even initiating conversations w/ strangers)
13) dislikes major transitions (saying goodbye to mommy, daddy or bb)
14) knows how to be funny & make people laugh
15) laughs at jokes, teasing, funny stories
16) expresses herself freely/loudly whether she's happy, sad or mad But...
17) Never, Ever cries for 'no reason' !! ;)
Aside from her birthday, what really prompted me to write this update was the talent show last week. While Madi was singing at the talent show, I put Briley on the floor by my feet because she was already saying hi to the kids sitting down there. I expected her, at most, to stay safely aside my leg and wave to the kids from a distance.
So, you can imagine my shock when I look down and see her sitting beside a little girl shaking her head "yes" & "no" completely engaged listening to the girl. I leaned in a bit to eavesdrop and almost teared up when I realized the two were actually carrying on a real conversation!!! (See adorable picture below!)
The girl was asking her questions like,
"is that your mom?"
"was that your sister singing?"
"do you know Madi?"
Briley was all serious, answering correctly & when they all began leaning in saying how cute she was, she laughed & smacked herself in the forehead, playfully & hid behind her hands in silly/fake embarrassment, really enjoying all the attention. I've seen her carrying on conversations with Caitlin and Madi many times and obviously we talk to each other every day. It was just so unbelievably amazing to witness her making a new friend, close to her own age, showing her true intelligence and even being silly.
I knew when I met her, I could help her walk. After her first 2 weeks here, I also learned just how smart she was as well. I told her mom it was my new personal goal to help Briley express herself better & with confidence so that everyone she meets can see the smart, sassy, silly & sweet girl that we lucky few knew so well. Seeing my dream for Briley come true... spectacular!!
I'm so proud of our BIG GIRL!!! Happy 4th Bday Briley.
So, in lieu of formal school, Briley's parents decided to hire me as her physical therapist & one-on-one teacher. So, a year later, on her 4th birthday seems a great time to recap and brag about how far she has come.
In the past year, physically she has learned to.....
1) sit up from laying on her back & recently lay back from the sitting position
2) roll over onto her belly
3) get up on her knees from belly
4) sit up straight on her knees
5) scoot on her butt (first in circles to follow me.. now, all over the place to chase everyone)
6) stand up, with assistance for long periods of time (30-60 minutes)
7) stand up, on her own (till she figures out you've let go)
8) stand up, leaning her back to wall
9) walk in walker
10) walk holding 2 hands & now even 1 hand!
11) walk holding onto tables/couch
12) walk up stairs
13) RUN around in walker (independently & on treadmill)
And, those are just her physical developments!!
Last year, if a child under 5 years old, so much as looked at her, she would break down into tears or purposefully make her eyes go crossed (a gesture, I came to learn, she uses as a defense mechanism to attempt to get people to leave her alone =) She was also incredibly shy!! When anyone would speak to her, she would quickly look down. To get an accurate baseline, I asked her previous babysitter in what ways Briley communicated with adults or kids at her house. She said, she was mostly quiet, looking down, eyes crossed, shaking her head in circles (which I learned later meant she was tired), or crying/yelling for 'no reason'.
Well, if that is her baseline, socially, this has been a major year!! She has learned so much I know I am going to forget things, but I will try my best to list the many ways she now communicates.
Now, to communicate she...
1) answers yes & no questions with appropriate head nods
2) lifts her arms to gesture picked up
3) babbles "briley" language while reading along with books & singing songs
4) says daddy, mommy, baba (bb), HI, Yeah, Oh yeah, kk, and so many more words correctly
5) waves her hand in front of her nose to gesture 'stinky'
6) taps on her lips to gesture hunger/thirst
7) blinks her eyes quickly, repeatedly to gesture sleepy/tired
8) can point to eyes, ears, nose, lips, hair
9) can point to appropriate body part when asked "where do you hear? see? etc..)
10) watches flashcards and attempts to sound out 70 percent of vocab
11) sits in chair during school lessons, engaged & listening (20+mins)
12) says hi & bye (even initiating conversations w/ strangers)
13) dislikes major transitions (saying goodbye to mommy, daddy or bb)
14) knows how to be funny & make people laugh
15) laughs at jokes, teasing, funny stories
16) expresses herself freely/loudly whether she's happy, sad or mad But...
17) Never, Ever cries for 'no reason' !! ;)
Aside from her birthday, what really prompted me to write this update was the talent show last week. While Madi was singing at the talent show, I put Briley on the floor by my feet because she was already saying hi to the kids sitting down there. I expected her, at most, to stay safely aside my leg and wave to the kids from a distance.
So, you can imagine my shock when I look down and see her sitting beside a little girl shaking her head "yes" & "no" completely engaged listening to the girl. I leaned in a bit to eavesdrop and almost teared up when I realized the two were actually carrying on a real conversation!!! (See adorable picture below!)
The girl was asking her questions like,
"is that your mom?"
"was that your sister singing?"
"do you know Madi?"
Briley was all serious, answering correctly & when they all began leaning in saying how cute she was, she laughed & smacked herself in the forehead, playfully & hid behind her hands in silly/fake embarrassment, really enjoying all the attention. I've seen her carrying on conversations with Caitlin and Madi many times and obviously we talk to each other every day. It was just so unbelievably amazing to witness her making a new friend, close to her own age, showing her true intelligence and even being silly.
I knew when I met her, I could help her walk. After her first 2 weeks here, I also learned just how smart she was as well. I told her mom it was my new personal goal to help Briley express herself better & with confidence so that everyone she meets can see the smart, sassy, silly & sweet girl that we lucky few knew so well. Seeing my dream for Briley come true... spectacular!!
I'm so proud of our BIG GIRL!!! Happy 4th Bday Briley.
Monday, June 9, 2014
My mission
Each time I sit at my laptop to post a blog entry, I have a mission. Whether the mission is to be informative & helpful or just plain entertaining, I always aim to reach out into the wide-world of webbed people & connect. I hope that my messages are always either helpful or entertaining. Having said that, I know my 'bitchfest' the other night about my relationship may have been neither. However, I don't want to be one of those people that posts and deletes. I said what I said & I felt a certain way that evening. I was honest with myself and anyone reading. So, instead of 'taking it back' so to speak. I wish to counteract my negativity with some positive thoughts. I know it may sound silly, but we are all responsible for the energy we emit to the world. I'd like to do my part by remaining positive as much as humanly possible & because I am human, I will forgive myself when I slip.
In fact, each of us is more than capable of helping the world, despite our fears and limitations & the uncertainty that holds us back. It is commonly accepted that it is impossible to make a difference without unlimited funding or free time. Yet most healing, cleansing, and spreading of joy is accomplished in a matter of minutes. If we vow to make the world a better place one day at a time, the true significance of small good deeds reveals itself to us. We come to see that we can be of service without dedicating our lives to recognized charities or giving up the pleasures we enjoy. The warmth we feel when we help the world is only a tiny part of the affirmative transformations that take place when we make altruism a part of everyday existence.
We make our homes, workplaces & communities better and brighter when we think positive thoughts that echo outward, give donations of time or money, smile at everyone we meet, & lend those in need of aid our assistance. As we learn, we inadvertently improve the universe because we can only be truly involved when we are informed. Even enthusiastically sharing ideas with others generates positive energy that then serves as the motivation for more tangible change. Selfless and helpful deeds remind us that we exercise some degree of control over a world that can seem chaotic at times. Even the smallest of such deeds is a demonstration of the fact that we are capable of changing the world in a positive way. So much negative energy is generated by the suffering, pain, and close-mindedness we are regularly exposed to, but we can counteract it in a constructive way by thinking and acting altruistically when opportunities to do so arise.
Helping the world often takes no more than a moment, just a wish for the world is a beautiful gesture and can be done by even the busiest of people effortlessly. The gift you give each day need not be grand or attention-worthy because the broader benefits are the same no matter the literal repercussions. Once a day, you can affect reality, and you can reap the rewards of knowing that you are making the world a better place, day by day...
Good luck, blogtopia =)
.
In fact, each of us is more than capable of helping the world, despite our fears and limitations & the uncertainty that holds us back. It is commonly accepted that it is impossible to make a difference without unlimited funding or free time. Yet most healing, cleansing, and spreading of joy is accomplished in a matter of minutes. If we vow to make the world a better place one day at a time, the true significance of small good deeds reveals itself to us. We come to see that we can be of service without dedicating our lives to recognized charities or giving up the pleasures we enjoy. The warmth we feel when we help the world is only a tiny part of the affirmative transformations that take place when we make altruism a part of everyday existence.
We make our homes, workplaces & communities better and brighter when we think positive thoughts that echo outward, give donations of time or money, smile at everyone we meet, & lend those in need of aid our assistance. As we learn, we inadvertently improve the universe because we can only be truly involved when we are informed. Even enthusiastically sharing ideas with others generates positive energy that then serves as the motivation for more tangible change. Selfless and helpful deeds remind us that we exercise some degree of control over a world that can seem chaotic at times. Even the smallest of such deeds is a demonstration of the fact that we are capable of changing the world in a positive way. So much negative energy is generated by the suffering, pain, and close-mindedness we are regularly exposed to, but we can counteract it in a constructive way by thinking and acting altruistically when opportunities to do so arise.
Helping the world often takes no more than a moment, just a wish for the world is a beautiful gesture and can be done by even the busiest of people effortlessly. The gift you give each day need not be grand or attention-worthy because the broader benefits are the same no matter the literal repercussions. Once a day, you can affect reality, and you can reap the rewards of knowing that you are making the world a better place, day by day...
Good luck, blogtopia =)
.
Sunday, June 8, 2014
To-Do's
As I flip the page of my planner to next week, as I do every Sunday night, to preview the upcoming week, I am disappointed to see the 3 inch space for each day alarmingly already full. This is LAST week the girls are in school. My personal To-Do list is so long! In regards to what I'd like done before my days are filled with 24/7 non-stop chatter of young, energetic ladies, I don't see much time. This week is already filled with graduations, awards ceremonies, field trips and talent shows. How am I going to squeeze in those last minute projects like getting the closets summer ready, typing up my cookbook, finishing the second draft of my dissertation or sending off the manuscript to the editor??
I remember the days when I use to be a Superwoman. I could juggle a million things without breaking a sweat. This fact, while usually discouraging, is going to inspire my positive affirmation for this week which I always write in my planner to motivate me.
I am capable of handling anything that comes my way.
I am efficient at time-management, especially when faced with many tasks.
I have the energy, health and strength to juggle the tasks of this week.
I will enjoy the chaos!!
Wish me luck blogtopia!!
I remember the days when I use to be a Superwoman. I could juggle a million things without breaking a sweat. This fact, while usually discouraging, is going to inspire my positive affirmation for this week which I always write in my planner to motivate me.
I am capable of handling anything that comes my way.
I am efficient at time-management, especially when faced with many tasks.
I have the energy, health and strength to juggle the tasks of this week.
I will enjoy the chaos!!
Wish me luck blogtopia!!
The Boy Toy
OK, so perhaps my headline is a bit too comedic considering the seriousness and honesty of last nights post. However, I'm feeling a bit better. We talked & talked & talked. I even let him read my blog entry. I think, I really got through to him this time. Although, I know I've said this before, many times, actually. The truth is, I don't have time to date right now. My daughters are in the process of becoming young women as I type. Caitlin is dating & entering high school next year. Madi is following close behind entering middle school. The absolute last thing that I need right now, is falling in love. I can't lose myself completely, as you should, in the beginning of any true love. So, I have to give this relationship everything I've got until it's absolutely exhausted all possibilities. Things may not work out. In fact, things might end sooner than I had expected. However, at this moment, he has promised to make drastic changes in his behavior & begin communicating with me more effectively. So, we shall see?
On to a more positive topic, my house is filled with children. It's Sunday afternoon and Noah (Caitlin's boy toy) and a few of the girls friends are once again spending this Sunday at our house. I love cooking BIG Sunday dinners for a whole crew of family and friends. I know, I wouldn't be able to provide for my children as I do now, if our income was reduced by half. I know, I wouldn't be able to see my children as often as I do now if I had to get a full-time job right now. Not to mention, the risk I would be taking with my health if I disobeyed my doctors orders. So, for all of that & more, I am grateful for Jonathon. I just hope and pray that he really begins to appreciate me the way I appreciate him. I hope and pray he begins to treat me better and joins us back in the real world. I hope and pray, he puts the down controller (both literally and metaphorically).
Thank you all for your time listening to my ramblings. I made myself a promise to reach out in times of need, to cry when the tears begin to swell in my throat, & to pray as much as possible, especially in times that feel hopeless. I really appreciate your private emails, comments & advice. These blogs have opened doors & friendships for me that I could have never imagined. I know, I'm late to 'blogville', but better late than never, right?
Wish me luck blogtopia!!
On to a more positive topic, my house is filled with children. It's Sunday afternoon and Noah (Caitlin's boy toy) and a few of the girls friends are once again spending this Sunday at our house. I love cooking BIG Sunday dinners for a whole crew of family and friends. I know, I wouldn't be able to provide for my children as I do now, if our income was reduced by half. I know, I wouldn't be able to see my children as often as I do now if I had to get a full-time job right now. Not to mention, the risk I would be taking with my health if I disobeyed my doctors orders. So, for all of that & more, I am grateful for Jonathon. I just hope and pray that he really begins to appreciate me the way I appreciate him. I hope and pray he begins to treat me better and joins us back in the real world. I hope and pray, he puts the down controller (both literally and metaphorically).
Thank you all for your time listening to my ramblings. I made myself a promise to reach out in times of need, to cry when the tears begin to swell in my throat, & to pray as much as possible, especially in times that feel hopeless. I really appreciate your private emails, comments & advice. These blogs have opened doors & friendships for me that I could have never imagined. I know, I'm late to 'blogville', but better late than never, right?
Wish me luck blogtopia!!
Saturday, June 7, 2014
Read w/ caution... long & bitchy!!!
Ok, blogtopia... I need your help here. I need to know if I have the right to be upset or am I just being a pms-y bitch?? The little angel that I watch daily, Briley's parents got married today. Now, mind you, they sent out the invitation long ago & before we replied, Jonathon made sure he could take off work. He had exactly one more 'sick' day left. So, we RSVP for the 4 of us. Again, this was months ago & has been on the calendar since. Now, I know a man (at least my man) doesn't look at the calendar often, even though it has vital information regarding the whereabouts of the entire house day to day. So, I also continued to verbally remind him every once in awhile as well.
Well, last Friday night/Saturday morning (he works the night shift 8pm-5am) he decided to play basketball right after work. He came home around noon & passed out. Of course, when it was time to get up for work, he decided to call in sick. He was sore & tired from playing basketball. I was a little upset then, but he promised me that he would still make it to the wedding. He said we could take separate cars there & he would just head straight from the wedding to work. Not exactly my idea of a real date, but at least he wouldn't completely bail on the wedding. I know how expensive each guest at wedding can be & expressed exactly how Fucked up it would be for him to simply "no-show" after we RSVP.
Well, sometime in the middle of the week, he mentioned that the guys were playing basketball again this Saturday. I told him that I really didn't think it was a good idea to play & the chances of him not going to the wedding were huge if he played in the morning. He agreed, or at least pretended, and dropped it. So, when I woke up to a text he sent at his lunch break saying "gonna play bb for a little after work", you can imagine my reaction. I texted him right away, again, saying it was a bad idea & expressing Again how wrong it would be to cancel on the bride & groom, let alone me! He went, anyway, not even acknowledging my text.
Low & behold, when I tried to wake him up to get ready for the wedding, he said he didn't think it was a good idea for him to go. He said, he'd probably wind up getting to work late and would get in trouble if he was late. PISSED.. the girls and I went alone & had to apologize for him.
AS IF, all of that was not enough.. DICK moves for a day... as soon as the 'party' is beginning at the wedding. I look down at my phone & see the text.. "woke up late & rushed out of the house w/o my keys, when will you be home so I can go to work?" REALLY??? The girls and I had to rush home to let him in the house to get his keys.. now having two different apologies for the bride and groom that so graciously invited us to their wedding.
WHAT THE FUCK??
All of this happened, on top of his complete neglect (again) this week. He was off work on Tuesday & Wednesday of this week. Monday night, on his way to work, he sends me a text that says he wants to talk about having a baby with me. Now, I've wanted another baby for a very long time, but as the years have passed, I gave up hope. I mean, I'm almost 35 years old. The girls are years away from being completely grown & independent. Why now?? But, I was excited to consider the idea & more importantly, excited that he was actually taking an interest in me.. in us & wanted to spend some time together (for once) on his days off.
Well, I get up early Tuesday morning (I mean 430am, early) so that I'm up & ready to hang with him when he gets off. However, what does he do when he gets off work?? Without even so much as a good morning, he plops on the xbox & begins playing some ridiculous game w/ the same guys he just worked with for 10 hours!! REALLY?? He, no exaggeration here, sat in the basement the entire time he was off!! Aside from being woken & forced (by the girls) to join us for dinner each night, he was on the couch playing or sleeping until it was time for him to go back to work Thursday night!!!
Seriously.. what the fuck is going on here?? What is wrong with him?? NOOOO.. what is wrong with me that I have put up with this for so fucking long?? I don't know.. I know I am extra bitchy/crampy.. but, really... he's an asshole, right?? He really doesn't give a fuck about anyone but himself. He does whatever he wants.. all the time. He stays after work Every single night & plays a few games of pool for a few hours w/o even bothering to tell me. For months, I thought he was cheating on me b/c his paycheck never reflected the hours he was gone from the house. He, finally, admitted that he plays pool some nights, but still never bothers to tell me when he does. I've completely given up on caring whether he texts me or comes home 'on-time' b/c neither happen.
I've also, given up on the fact that he ever will come sleep in bed with me again. Unless, of course, he's horny.. but that is the case less and less these days. Now, on top of all those things, he's decided to play basketball whenever he wants, even if it means he'll miss work or cancel on a wedding that has been in the works for over 6 months!! REALLY??
PLEASE.. tell me I'm not the crazy one?? I try, so hard to be good to him, take care of him, the girls, the dogs, the house. I still provide More than 1/2 the income.. so he can't even pretend like this is some kind of "I pay the bills" shit. FUCK... I am so stupid & pathetic.. I must be.. to accept this.. to admit it... I am so tempted to hit the 'draft' button on this post, but fuck it.. it is what it is. I keep preaching, writing a book even, about making changes in your life for the better. Why is it always hardest to listen to your own advice?
Sadly, the main reason I started dieting and working out was because of how insecure this man has made me feel.
Now, however, I am starting to feel great in every other aspect of my life. I think, I'm starting to feel so good that I've realized I do not, in fact, deserve to be treated this way. I am hoping that this blog entry isn't too candid or bitchy, but honestly.. I feel so alone & isolated from the real world since our move to WV. He's really the only person in this area that I know. I can't continue on & really need some support.
Thanks for listening & more importantly... thanks in advance if you take the time to offer some advice. Unwanted advice is the worst!! Trust me, I know... but, I know hitting the send button is my cry for help. I am ready for it! Please... help.... =(
Well, last Friday night/Saturday morning (he works the night shift 8pm-5am) he decided to play basketball right after work. He came home around noon & passed out. Of course, when it was time to get up for work, he decided to call in sick. He was sore & tired from playing basketball. I was a little upset then, but he promised me that he would still make it to the wedding. He said we could take separate cars there & he would just head straight from the wedding to work. Not exactly my idea of a real date, but at least he wouldn't completely bail on the wedding. I know how expensive each guest at wedding can be & expressed exactly how Fucked up it would be for him to simply "no-show" after we RSVP.
Well, sometime in the middle of the week, he mentioned that the guys were playing basketball again this Saturday. I told him that I really didn't think it was a good idea to play & the chances of him not going to the wedding were huge if he played in the morning. He agreed, or at least pretended, and dropped it. So, when I woke up to a text he sent at his lunch break saying "gonna play bb for a little after work", you can imagine my reaction. I texted him right away, again, saying it was a bad idea & expressing Again how wrong it would be to cancel on the bride & groom, let alone me! He went, anyway, not even acknowledging my text.
Low & behold, when I tried to wake him up to get ready for the wedding, he said he didn't think it was a good idea for him to go. He said, he'd probably wind up getting to work late and would get in trouble if he was late. PISSED.. the girls and I went alone & had to apologize for him.
AS IF, all of that was not enough.. DICK moves for a day... as soon as the 'party' is beginning at the wedding. I look down at my phone & see the text.. "woke up late & rushed out of the house w/o my keys, when will you be home so I can go to work?" REALLY??? The girls and I had to rush home to let him in the house to get his keys.. now having two different apologies for the bride and groom that so graciously invited us to their wedding.
WHAT THE FUCK??
All of this happened, on top of his complete neglect (again) this week. He was off work on Tuesday & Wednesday of this week. Monday night, on his way to work, he sends me a text that says he wants to talk about having a baby with me. Now, I've wanted another baby for a very long time, but as the years have passed, I gave up hope. I mean, I'm almost 35 years old. The girls are years away from being completely grown & independent. Why now?? But, I was excited to consider the idea & more importantly, excited that he was actually taking an interest in me.. in us & wanted to spend some time together (for once) on his days off.
Well, I get up early Tuesday morning (I mean 430am, early) so that I'm up & ready to hang with him when he gets off. However, what does he do when he gets off work?? Without even so much as a good morning, he plops on the xbox & begins playing some ridiculous game w/ the same guys he just worked with for 10 hours!! REALLY?? He, no exaggeration here, sat in the basement the entire time he was off!! Aside from being woken & forced (by the girls) to join us for dinner each night, he was on the couch playing or sleeping until it was time for him to go back to work Thursday night!!!
Seriously.. what the fuck is going on here?? What is wrong with him?? NOOOO.. what is wrong with me that I have put up with this for so fucking long?? I don't know.. I know I am extra bitchy/crampy.. but, really... he's an asshole, right?? He really doesn't give a fuck about anyone but himself. He does whatever he wants.. all the time. He stays after work Every single night & plays a few games of pool for a few hours w/o even bothering to tell me. For months, I thought he was cheating on me b/c his paycheck never reflected the hours he was gone from the house. He, finally, admitted that he plays pool some nights, but still never bothers to tell me when he does. I've completely given up on caring whether he texts me or comes home 'on-time' b/c neither happen.
I've also, given up on the fact that he ever will come sleep in bed with me again. Unless, of course, he's horny.. but that is the case less and less these days. Now, on top of all those things, he's decided to play basketball whenever he wants, even if it means he'll miss work or cancel on a wedding that has been in the works for over 6 months!! REALLY??
PLEASE.. tell me I'm not the crazy one?? I try, so hard to be good to him, take care of him, the girls, the dogs, the house. I still provide More than 1/2 the income.. so he can't even pretend like this is some kind of "I pay the bills" shit. FUCK... I am so stupid & pathetic.. I must be.. to accept this.. to admit it... I am so tempted to hit the 'draft' button on this post, but fuck it.. it is what it is. I keep preaching, writing a book even, about making changes in your life for the better. Why is it always hardest to listen to your own advice?
Sadly, the main reason I started dieting and working out was because of how insecure this man has made me feel.
Now, however, I am starting to feel great in every other aspect of my life. I think, I'm starting to feel so good that I've realized I do not, in fact, deserve to be treated this way. I am hoping that this blog entry isn't too candid or bitchy, but honestly.. I feel so alone & isolated from the real world since our move to WV. He's really the only person in this area that I know. I can't continue on & really need some support.
Thanks for listening & more importantly... thanks in advance if you take the time to offer some advice. Unwanted advice is the worst!! Trust me, I know... but, I know hitting the send button is my cry for help. I am ready for it! Please... help.... =(
Thursday, June 5, 2014
Up All Night!!!
Does anyone else, out there in blogtopia, have an extremely defiant and rebellious brain?? You know, the kind of brain that seems to always do the exact opposite of what is needed. For example, the more important the day ahead, the more relaxation/meditation I do to ease my brain for a good nights rest, the more restless it becomes. It's like my brain is a rebellious teenager & I already have 3 of those living in my house. I, most certainly, do not need one living inside my head.
Dear brain,
When I say, "It is time to go to sleep" do not back talk me with your scattered, racing thoughts. Do not defy me by purposefully remembering every "to-do" item on my never-ending list. Certainly, do not rebel me by only coming up with creative ideas after I've told you to rest & ignoring my inquires while I'm sitting with my fingers on the keyboard waiting on your direction. Sometimes, frankly, YOU SUCK!!
Dear brain,
When I say, "It is time to go to sleep" do not back talk me with your scattered, racing thoughts. Do not defy me by purposefully remembering every "to-do" item on my never-ending list. Certainly, do not rebel me by only coming up with creative ideas after I've told you to rest & ignoring my inquires while I'm sitting with my fingers on the keyboard waiting on your direction. Sometimes, frankly, YOU SUCK!!
Wednesday, June 4, 2014
Playing Mom & Dad
In my 14 years of parenthood, I've spent more than half of that time playing mom & dad to my daughters. So far, the task has been easy & came naturally. However, my oldest daughter, now, has her first 'real' boyfriend. He's a sweet kid, but unfortunately comes with the typical drama that any cute 15 year old boy carries. He has an ex-girlfriend that wants him back & is causing petty internet drama trying to stir things up with the new couple.
It worries me, as a mother, because I don't want to see my baby girl get hurt. So, the fatherly instinct in me, decided to be proactive and talk to the boy in, what can only be described as, a motherly fashion... I think??
I simply said, 'so, I hear you love my daughter. Well, it took me 13 years to create that perfect, honest & kind heart that you love & if you break it or damage it, in anyway, you'll have to answer to me & I'm stronger than I look''
Then her best friend, Lexi, cut into the conversation as I was walking out of the room. I overheard her say, 'yeah, me too... if you hurt her, I'll cut off your toe!''
As I reached the second floor to my house, I yelled downstairs, ''I'll cut off something else!''
Ha ha... my joke was laughed at by all the kids comfortably hanging in my living room (which on a whole 'nother soap box... I'm regretting moving to the basement & have to convince my poor mule aka 'the fiance' to move it back to the second floor aka 'easier to spy space')
I just really hope my original message was heard, understood & will be taken seriously. I also pray that this boy doesn't break my daughters perfect heart. As I tried to explain to her, every person you love changes you on levels equivalent to the amount of love you share.
Whether that change is good or bad, I'm nervous to watch my daughter grow and morph into a young woman. At the same time, I'm also very excited & understand, fully, that this is all just part of the greater process child-rearing. You nurture them, love them, hug them and kiss them. You teach them, model for them, attempt to inspire & enlighten them. Then, after all that hard work... you must simply (ha) let them go!!
Ugh, wish me luck blogtopia!!
What was I thinking??
The answer to that question, no matter who is asking or who is being asked is.. I wasn't!!
I am very pleased & shocked that so many people (5,149 to be exact) have taken the time to check out my blog 21 day challenge by Stephanie Chasles However, I don't know why I didn't take the time to start a new blog, solely dedicated to the challenge, at the start. Now, because of it's magnitude, I feel as though it would be inappropriate to continue on, writing my random thoughts, as I once did, on the previous blog. I wish, even further, that there was a way to steal all of those old posts (the random ones) and put them on here.
I hope, eventually, I will figure out a way to sort the random from the diet stuff, but for now. It is what it is. I will continue to only post diet related posts on the old site & begin a completely new & ever-random journey here. Thanks for your support, your time, your interest & your patience.
This past week has been more busy and chaotic than during the challenge, due to the final results update. Along with the blog readers in general, I have received a number of emails requesting copies of the book (which is not even complete yet) & requesting personal help with their own challenge. It would have been so much easier had I just taken the "Advocare" products with my sister and then worked hard like I intended anyway. So, instead of selling my own knowledge and expertise, I could just push some supplements and rack in the dough.
But... I've never been one to take the easy way. I thought, I could successfully meet my fitness goals on my own, based on my knowledge of nutrition and exercise. I know, I can help people through the more difficult aspects of any diet, which is getting motivated, getting to the root cause of the weight problem to begin with and maintaining self-confidence regardless of weight (because of my education in psychology)... All of which, are key to successful and lasting results. So, I did it my way and, now, I have 10 emails/phone calls awaiting my reply at any given minute & a book to get to the editor ASAP!!
Let's not forget the fact that I am also working on my dissertation to finish my PhD, I have 2 preteen/teen daughters that will be home for the summer in 7 days, a very special little lady named Briley that I watch, teach, learn from and grow with everyday & a very young, very inconsistent fiance that teeters back and forth from being my best friend to a couch/xbox potato & yet another person I have to look after and last, but certainly not least, I have my health (or lack thereof) that always seems to fail me when I need it the most.
Let's not forget the fact that I am also working on my dissertation to finish my PhD, I have 2 preteen/teen daughters that will be home for the summer in 7 days, a very special little lady named Briley that I watch, teach, learn from and grow with everyday & a very young, very inconsistent fiance that teeters back and forth from being my best friend to a couch/xbox potato & yet another person I have to look after and last, but certainly not least, I have my health (or lack thereof) that always seems to fail me when I need it the most.
I have a very rare blood disorder called sickle-beta thalasemia anemia. It's rare because it's really two different blood disorders & I, unfortunately, have both and it's rare because, frankly, I'm white. But, as my former students at CCMS ( a predominantly black and Hispanic middle school, at which I began my teaching career) use to say... I'm not really white. I'm Italian and Greek & it is more common among Mediterranean folks like myself. So, my disease throws curve balls at me regularly. No, regularly is not the right word. Regularly sounds as if they are thrown in some consistent "regular" way... No, my disease is so randomly chaotic, just like my life.
So, here it is.. my new Random Chaos blog.. thanks for following me to the new page. I have a lot of work ahead of me and a crazy busy summer well on its way, but I plan to check in here often for much needed venting!!
Wish me luck blogtopia!!
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